JOKES
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same
female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work
early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss
left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she
never called or came back to work, so how would she know
they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a
little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went
to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her
husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a
muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she
cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the
door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and
redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked
the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught
yesterday!"
Three men die in a car crash, and they find themselves
at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all
asked, "As your mortal remains lie below on Earth in
your casket, and friends and family are mourning you,
what would you most like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that
I was a really great physician and healer, yet also a
great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them
say.......
LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his
wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get
naked?" The two then stripped to the buff and sat down at the
table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal!"
George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the
White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill
Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was
astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the
urinal. "Just think," he said," when I am President, I'll
get to have a gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the
White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been
with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's
private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed.
Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed
in your saxophone.
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you
went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before
an answer I give him."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like
a clock. And like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining.
And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me
downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine even,
uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner...Marvelous
dinner. Kosher even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I
enjoyed it so much I could just PLOTZ! So then we are coming back to my
apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my
expensive new dress and has his way with me!"
Sadie: "Oy vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear a shmatta."
--------------------
> An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China,
> he is very promiscuous and does not use a condom.
>
> A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one
> morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple
> spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.
>
> The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders
> some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the
> results.
>
> The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've
> got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very
> rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
> The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot
> or something and fix me up, doc."
>
> The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're
> going to have to amputate your penis."
>
> The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second
> opinion!"
>
> The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you
> want, but surgery is your only choice."
>
> The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that
> he'll know more about the disease.
>
> The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes,
> Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
>
> The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but
> what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and
> amputate my penis!"
>
> The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American
> doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more
> money, that way. No need to operate!"
>
> "Oh thank God!" the man replies.
>
> "Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks
> ...
> Dick fall off by itself!
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant &, while sitting at his regular
table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby...all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their
most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her-knowing that if she
accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it
over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the
wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in
the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends one of
his own back to her & it read: "Just so you know-I happen to have a
Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, & a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have
over twenty-million dollars in the bank." "But, not
even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my Dick!"
"Just send the bottle back."
>
> A traveling salesman visits to a small town in the Midwest
> and sees
> a circus banner reading, "Don't miss the Amazing Goldstein!"
> Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus
> acts.
> Animals,
> clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the
> trumpets
> blare and all eyes turn to the center ring.
> There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts
> on it.
> In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to
> walk to
> the table. He unzips his
> pants, whips out his penis, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts
> with
> three
> swings!
> The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly
> Goldstein is
> carried off on the shoulders of clowns.
> Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and
> he sees
> a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing
> Goldstein." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less
> still
> performing his act!
> Again he buys a ticket, sits through all the preliminary acts
> and
> again the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on
> the
> table and the much older Goldstein takes forever to make it to the
> table. He
> smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing weapon and the
> crowd
> goes wild!
> The salesman is so impressed that he requests a meeting with
> him after
> the show. In his dressing room he tells Goldstein that he's never seen
>
> anything like his act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing
> coconuts
> instead of the much easier walnuts.
> "Vell," says Goldstein, my eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"
>
"We've got to mend fences with the Jews and try to get their support,"
George W. Bush said to a Jewish aide.
Then he added "I gotta see what all this Jewish stuff is about."
So off they went to a kosher restaurant. The first course was set in
front of them: matzoh ball soup. George W. was a little hesitant
to taste this strange looking concotion.
Gently, the aide said, "Just have a taste, Mr. President. If you
don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
George W. dug in, spooning up a piece of matzoh ball with some
soup, tasting gingerly at first, but quickly finishing off the entire
bowl and every bit of the matzoh ball.
"That was delicious!" George W. declared. "Tell me, can you eat any
other parts of the matzoh, or do they just eat the balls???"
> Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
>> complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
>> >
>> > Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the
>> husband
>> uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
>> >
>> > "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
>> of toilet
>> paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
>> >
>> > Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet
>> paper, and
>> stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it
>> between her breasts.
>> >
>> > "How long will this take?" she asks.
>> >
>> > "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
>> >
>> > The wife stops.
>> >
>> > "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toiletpaper between my
>> breasts
>> every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
>> >
>> > "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
>
> "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel
> like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and
> nothing comes out!"
>
> "Ah, that's nothing'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
> can't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit
> on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
>
> "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
>
> "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
> "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I piss like a racehorse; no
> problem at all."
>
> "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old.
> "Well, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."
> With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
> You pee every morning at 6:00 and have bowel movement every morning at
> 6:30. What's so tough about being 80?"
>
> "I don't wake up until 7:00."
>
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the
> > fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
> >
> > The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
> >
> > The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder, and he is so
> > successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
> >
> > The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a
> multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new
> Mercedes, fully loaded."
> >
> > The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is stockbroker
> > and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
> >
> > The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care
of
> > business.
> >
> > The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is
yours
> > doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son Paul is gay and dances in a
> > gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be
> > doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new
> > Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
> >
<<
The Handy-Woman
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
'handy-woman,' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She
went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any
odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?
The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials that she
might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
house?"
The man replied, "she should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's
dumb?"
"No .... I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde'
joke e-mails we've been receiving".
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats".
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says:
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow
and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear:
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
================================================
This 45-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her
bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom
and sees her. He watches her a while then says,
"You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says,
"I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts
of an eighteen-year-old."
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says,
"Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
=====================================================
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says:
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow
and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear:
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
================================================
.
********************************************************
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant
for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little
bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell
bottom deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has
been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis
and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the
chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a
normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads
out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old
son, who is spinning a quarter in the air and catching
it between his teeth.
Suddenly someone bumps into the boy and the coin goes
straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He
starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad panics,
shouting for help.
A well-dressed woman in a blue business suit is sitting
at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper. At
the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee
cup down, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on
the counter. Then she gets up and makes her way to the
boy's side. The woman carefully takes hold of the
boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then
more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in
her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the
father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar
without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no
lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the
woman. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before," he gushes. "It was fantastic. Are you a
doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a Divorce
Attorney."
**************************
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster
for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an
okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer
figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys
a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns
him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting
around and he's a little worried. "So, they're trying
to replace me", thinks the old rooster.
"I've got to do something about this!" He walks up to
the new bird and says,
"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think
you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for
the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the
better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race
around that hen house over there. We'll run around it
ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all
the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he
definately thought he was more than a match for the
old guy. "You're on", he said, "and since I'm so
great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap.
I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the
race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race
begins and all the hens start cheering the
old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is
still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the
old guy's lead has slipped a little-
but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old
rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by
the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young
fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into
the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard
figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.
When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running
around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly
in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims,
fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself...
'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this
month.
A guy is out fishing too long. He's racing home over a
bridge doing eighty when
a cop catches him on radar and pulls him over.
The guy says, "Give me a break, I'm on my way to work,
and I'm late."
The cop says, "What do you do for a living?"
The guy says, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says. "A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum
stretcher do?"
The guy says, "People call me when they need to be
stretched. I go to their house,
start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then
a whole hand, then two.
Then I slowly pull them apart, farther and farther,
until it's a full six feet across."
The cop says, "What the hell do you do with a six foot
asshole?"
The guy says, "They give him a radar gun and stick him
at the end of a bridge."
--------
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about
it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
************
A twenty-three year old man had been experiencing severe
headaches for several months when he eventually decided
to go to the doctor. At first he had put off making an
appointment to see his doctor, but soon the headaches
were so excruciating that he would sob in pain, unable
to sleep, for hours every night, and were severely
effecting his work.
"Mr Jones, you must be in extraordinary pain! You should
have come to me months ago." the doctor admonished.
"I know, Doc, but can't you just tell me what it is?"
"Of course, son, but you're not going to like what I
have to say. Your testicles are pressing on the base of
your spine and compressing a nerve. This is what is
causing the headaches."
"What's so bad about that?" the young man asked.
"Well, the only way to treat this condition is to remove
the testicles."
"What?"
The young man was very upset, and the doctor told him to
take a day or two to consider it, adding that the
headaches would continue to get worse and worse if he
did not have the operation.
Two days later, the young man returned to the doctor in
agony.
"Take 'em off, Doc, I can't stand this any more."
So the young man had the operation to remove his
testicles. After a day recovering in hospital and a
couple of weeks of very little walking aorund, he
decided to go for a walk in town.
He walked along the streets, feeling the greatest joy
that his headaches had gone, yet regretting the fact
that the removal of both his testicles had been
necessary. However, he didn't want to grow bitter about
it, so decided to buy himself a new suit to celebrate
his new-found health.
He went into an exclusive-looking store and was
immediately attended by a gentleman at least seventy
years old.
"What can I do for you, Sir?"
"I'd like to buy a new suit, the complete works."
"Certainly, Sir, lets start with the shirt, I'm guessing
you'd be a fifteen inch collar?"
"That's amazing, how did you guess?"
"When you've been in this job as long as I have, Sir,
you just know these things."
The shirt was a perfect fit.
"Trousers next, I think. Would you be a 34 inch waist,
Sir?"
"Yes! That really is incredible!"
"Well, Sir, after sixty years, you pick up a few
things." the old man said modestly.
The trousers fitted perfectly.
"How about some real silk boxer shorts? You would be a
34 inch waist in those as well."
"Ahha!" said the young man. "I'm afraid you're wrong
there. I take a 32 inch waist in boxer shorts, and have
worn that size since I was eighteen years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32.
It would press your testicles up against the base of
your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
The cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing.
There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection. "What are
you doing?" the cowboy asks.
The Indian answers, "Me tell time".
"OK. If you are so good, what time is it?"
The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It
2 o'clock."
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!" The
cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying
on a blanket. "Don't tell me....You telling time also?"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
"Okay smart ass, what time is it?"
The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It 4
o'clock."
The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he
comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating. "Don't tell me you are
telling time!!??"
Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!"
> >
George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night
in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first
night he was awakened by George Washington's ghost. Bush asked the ghost,
"President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the
country?" Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised
Washington.
With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn't sleep well
and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through
the dark bedroom.
"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," Jefferson answered.
another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's
ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?," Bush
asked.
Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."
The Three Moles
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and
says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "No,
smells more like honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but
can't because the bigger moles are in the way, so he says, "Geez, all I can
smell is molasses."
> This guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend who tells
> him, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse
> and I'm
> sending him over." The midget arrives and the owner asks if he wants a
> male or female horse. "A female horth", the midget replies.
> So the owner shows him one.
>
> "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?" So the owner picks up the
> midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
>
> Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the midget and
> shows him the horse's eyes.
>
> Ok, what about the eerth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks
> up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.
>
> OK, finally, can I see her twat?" With that, the owner picks up the midget
> and shoves his head up the female horse's 'you know what', then pulls him
> out.
> Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that.
>
> Can I thee her wun awownd?
>
>
THE LATE, GREAT HENNY YOUNGMAN SAID:
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife
every finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live.The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?"The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking.The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett, and her dressing room was next to mine.There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday? He said
"I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
<< A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!said, "You should force yourself!" >>
<< Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week. I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!" >>
<< I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient.They're in two separate buildings! >>
<< My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked. >>
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
<< Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. >>
<< Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"The man says, "I make a good living." >>
<< A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." >>
The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm
<< sorry, he's on vacation. "Then let me talk to Mr.Schwartz."He's on a big case, not available for a week.""Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today."Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. "Speaking." >>
<< A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom,; and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did.By the way, you have a nice house!" >>
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I
<< asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!" >>
<< Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. >>
<< I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. >>
<< I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
>>
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a
primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching
them Reading, Writing, Math, and Science. One day the
wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief
pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're
the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave
birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to
figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No,
Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural
occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an
albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep
are white except for one black one. Nature does this on
occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then
said "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about
the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby."
<< >>Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad
>>in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed
>>against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out,
>>"Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the
>>wall and escaped in the confusion.
>>
>>Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was
>>reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again
>>before the order was given the Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the
>>squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
>>
>>The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was
>>thinking "I'm not as dumb as they think I am... I see the pattern here,
>>just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He
>>confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was
>>reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned
>>from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!" >>
Salesman of the Year
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to
A big department store looking for a job. The manager
says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the
boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did." His first day on the job was rough but he got
through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came
down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid
says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale?
Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64?
What did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a
small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna
need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and
sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that
Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a
fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says,
"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife
and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well
go fishing.'"
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the midst of getting a
divorce. Sad, but true.
Mickey went to his Attorney the other day and explained
to him why he wanted a divorce. The Attorney told him
he would do some investigation and get back to Mickey
with his findings.
A couple of weeks went by and Mickey's Attorney called
Mickey into his office to update him on his
investigation.
"You know, Mickey," his Attorney said, "I don't find any
evidence that Minnie is insane."
"Insane!" replied Mickey, "I never said Minnie was
insane, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-
year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me
who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was
St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was
St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not
right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was
Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come
up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she
said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very
surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses,
but business is business..."
A first grade teacher in a small town in Texas
explains to her class that she is a George Bush fan. She asks her students to
raise
their hands if they are Bush fans too. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is,
but wanting to be liked by the teacher, their hands fly into the
air.
There is, however, one exception. A little boy named Johnny has not gone
along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be
different.
"Because I'm not a Bush fan" he retorts. "Then,"asks the teacher "what are
you?"
"I'm a proud Al Gore fan!" boasts Johnny.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks
Johnny why he is a Gore fan
"Well, my Dad and Mom are Gore fans, so I'm a Gore fan too" he responds.
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your
Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot.
What would you be then?"
Johnny says, "Then I'd be a Bush fan."
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when
they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the
cave were the following symbols, in this order of
appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a
Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find
and the writings were at least three thousand years old.
They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought
to the museum where archaeologists from all over the
world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a
huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the
meaning of the markings.
The President of the society stood up and pointed at the
first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can
judge that this race was family oriented and held women
in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent,
as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were
smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."
He continued, "The next drawing looks like a shovel of
some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the
fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth,
whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea
for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of
David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly an old
man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots!
Hebrew is read from right to left It says, 'Holy
Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!'" >>
> Bubby & Zayde are visiting the kinder overnight when Zayde finds a bottle
> of
> Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.
> He asks the son about using one of the pills and the son says, "I don't
> think
> you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
> "Vifful cust?" asks the Zayde.
> $10.00 a pill answers the son.
> "I don't care," says Zayde, "I'd like to try one and I'll leave the money
> under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
> The next morning the son finds $110.00 under his pillow. He says to the
> Zayde, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
> "I know," says Zayde, the extra hundred is from your Bubby.
Actual history - test answers from a 6th grade class:
>
> 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they
> all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah
> Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
> inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
>
> 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where
> they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
> without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
> Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
> he ever reached Canada.
>
> 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
> porcupines.
>
> 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
> without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
> also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
>
> 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went
> around giving people advice. They killed him.
> Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his
> death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
>
> 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
> hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
>
> 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields
> of Gaul.
> The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
> was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee,
> Brutus."
>
> 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by
> Bernard Shaw.
>
> 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen
> she was a success. When she exposed herself before
> her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
>
> 10. It was an age of great inventions and
> discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and
> the Bible. Another important invention was the
> circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
> historical figure because he invented cigarettes and
> started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised the
> world with a 100-foot clipper.
>
> 11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was
> William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,
> supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money
> and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
> tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in
> Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example
> of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by
> Juliet.
>
> 12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was
> Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next
> great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
> Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
>
> 13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
> Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
> Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration
> of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
> rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse
> divided against itself cannot stand."
> Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
>
> 14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest
> Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he
> was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
> hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing
> the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April
> 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
> his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
> show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes
> Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
> career.
>
> 15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical
> compositions and had a large number of children. In
> between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept
> up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
> Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so
> was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and
> half English. He was very large.
>
> 16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
> He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
> walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
> him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
>
> 17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many
> thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing
> by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
> invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
> to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick
> raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis
> Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin
> was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
> Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became
> one of the Marx Brothers.
Whose penis is biggest?
>
>Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian and a
>black kid are on the playground
>at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play
>a new game.
>
>"Lets see who has the largest penis," he says.
>
>"Okay." They all agree.
>
>The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it
>out. "That's nothing," says
>the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple
>of inches longer.
>
>Not to be outdone, the black kid whips his out. It
>is by far the biggest,
>dwarfing the other two in both length and width.
>
>The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and
>amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!"
>they exclaim.
>
>That night, eating dinner at home, the black kid's
>mother asks him what he
>did at school today.
>
>"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math
>test and read out loud from a
>new book ... and during recess, my friends and I
>played 'Let's see who has
>the largest penis."
>
>"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the
>mother. "Well, me, Sidney and
>Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had
>the biggest! The other kids
>say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"
>
>The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's because
>you're twenty-three."
Two Japanese businessmen are tallking while taking a dip in the Geisha House
one afternoon when the first businessman says to the second, "Hirokosan, I
have unpleasant news for you." Hiroko replies, "what is that?" The first
businessman says, "Your wife is dishonoring you." Upset Hiroko cannot believe
it and asks for more information. His friend replies, "it is true and she is
dishonoring you with a foreigner of the Jewish faith." Hiroko goes home and
confronts his wife. His wife responds "That's an outrageous lie! Where did
you hear such mishigas?"
Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops
dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their
playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg goes to
the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks
what he wants.
Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come
home." She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
>
> > A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving
> > > her a
> > > sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private
> > > area" and notices that
> > > there is a response on the monitor when she touches
> > > her. They go to her
> > > husband and explain what happened, telling him,
> > > "Crazy as this sounds, maybe
> > >
> > > a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her
> > > out of the coma." The
> > > husband is skeptical, but they assure him that
> > > they'll close the curtains
> > > for
> > > privacy. Besides it's
> > > worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into
> > > his wife's
> > > room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat
> > > lines...no pulse... no
> > > heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The
> > > husband is standing there,
> > > pulling up his pants and says.... "I think she
> > > choked."
>
> > A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used
> > some horrible language this week and feel absolutely
> > terrible about it."
> >
> > "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
> >
> > "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked
> > like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone
> > line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down
> > to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
> >
> > "Is that when you swore?"
> >
> > "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out
> > of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began
> > to run away."
> >
> > "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
> >
> > "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
> > eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons
> > and began to fly away!"
> >
> > "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
> >
> > "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its
> > claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my
> > ball."
> >
> > "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
> >
> > "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the
> > sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six
> > inches from the hole."
> >
> > The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and
> > said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you ?
THE DAUGHTER WHO CAUSE SO MUCH PAIN
A Jewish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home
money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come
home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail. She pulled up
to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and
diamonds.
As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm - they seem to be paying
secretaries awfully well in London."
The girl took his hands and said, "Papa I've been meaning to tell you
something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide
it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand over his heart and keeled over. The doctor
was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to
bed and the Rabbi was called.
As the Rabbi was comforting the mother and daughter, the old man muttered
weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of
what you've become!"
"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed. "I only wanted to have nice
things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do
it was by becoming a prostitute."
The old man sat bolt upright in bed, brushing the Rabbi aside, and was
smiling.
"Did you say prostitute? That was a close one. I thought you said
Protestant!"
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him
to give her an examination to determine the cause of her
daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about
2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is
pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she
argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl
and would never compromise her reputation by having sex
with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently
watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an
screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you
paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying
attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this
happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise
men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help
me figure out who got your daughter pregnant.
>
> A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon
> for a face lift.
>
> The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The
> Knob" A small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can
> be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand
> new face
> lift - forever.
>
> Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
>
> Fifteen years later, the woman returned to the surgeon
> with two problems.
>
> "All these years, everything has been working just
> fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved
> the
> results.
> But now I've
>
> developed two annoying problems. First, I have these
> terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
>
> The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those
> aren't bags, those are your breasts."
> She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon
they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband
said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is
getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got
his yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his
wife's butt.
"Yep" he said, "Just what I thought, just about the
same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do
the gardening alone.
She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest
of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled
up to his wife and said, "How about it Honey, how about
a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving
him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire
up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest
Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent.
"Becky," he said in his tired voice "I..... I have something I must confess
to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all
right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with
your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know"
Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"
A gay man was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, out popped a gay genie.
The Genie said, "Hey Girl, wassup?"
The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.
"Nope, just one...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages,
third-world
countries, my new pumps pinching my big toes, and fierce global competition, I
can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be? The complete set of Tyson
Cane
videos? A copy of the Marilyn Monroe Happy Birthday Mr. President sequined
dress in your size with matching shoes?"
The man shook his head 'no'.
He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these
countries to
stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and shrieked, "Miss Thaaaaaang, I don't think so,
not in
this lifetime!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm
good, but
not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the right man,
you know, one that's considerate and fun, warm and affectionate, gorgeous, is
well endowed,
only wants sex from me, doesn't do drugs or drink too much, has a great job
with a good
income, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, gets along with my
family, doesn't
watch sports all the time, tells me I always look fabulous and is great in
bed. That's
what I wish for... the perfect guy to have as my lover."
The Genie let out a long sigh, clutched his hand to his heart and said, "Oh
Miss Thang...
let me see that map again!"
Goldie, a recent widow, was sitting on an almost deserted Florida beach near
Miami.
She was attempting to strike up a conversation with an elderly gentleman,
who was one blanket down, reading a book.
"Hello, Sir", she interrupted, "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you", he
responded, and turned back to reading his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?", she asked. "First time since my
wife passed away last year", he replied. "Do you live around here?", she
asked.
"Yes", he answered, returning to his book. Goldie persisted......."Do you
like pussycats?" With that, the man threw his book down, jumped up off his
blanket, on to hers, whipped off his and her swimsuits and gave her the ride
of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie asked the man, "How did you
know that is what I wanted?????"
He replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?
>
> New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review
> the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the
> Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from
> the Shabbat,Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
>
> The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste,
> responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory
> and they send the Temple new candles.
>
> What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover? Asked the
> auditor. Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send
> them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.
>
> All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a
> moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the
> circumcisions? Easy, said the Rabbi. We send them to Washington, DC
> and they send us little pricks like you.
>
THE MITZVAH
>
>A very good and pious Jewish man, Samuel Goldberg, dies and immediately
>goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he
>can't admit him to heaven.
>
>When the surprised Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this
>is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all
>intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page
>after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person
>your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to
>be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on
>time...nothing but mitzvahs.
>
>Now, other than G-d, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't
>send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a
>human being and human beings commit sins."
>
>The angel thought for a moment and then said, I'll tell you what I'm
>going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During
>that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to
>anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."
>
>The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front
>of his apartment. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs.
>Ludinsky, an 85 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with
>great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her
>carry the groceries home. Then, as they got to her apartment, Mr.
>Goldberg remembered that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to
>heaven.
>
>He grabs Mrs. Ludinsky. The groceries go flying in every direction, and
>he drags her to her bedroom. Once inside he proceeds to commit every
>kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.
>
>Several hours later, exhausted but satisfied that he can now gain
>admission to heaven, he begins to put his clothes back on.
>
>
>Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea
>what a mitzvah you've just done"
A Jewish Dog Story
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He
can't
wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes
over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he
is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail
wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with
anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands,
"Okay, Irving, Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging
furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears.
He
starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he
whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy ...
This
constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know!
And
you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget
it...it's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do
you
care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck
I
say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a
day.
It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a
nice
long walk? I can't remember when!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says,
"I
can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he is
sitting on the sofa talking to us.", "I know, I know." says the owner.
"He's
not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said
"Kvetch'."
George Bush was out jogging one morning along the
parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing
and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service
guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him
out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids
whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." George
says, "No problem. I'll take you there on AirForce One".
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike
AirJordan's. "George says, "I'll get them for you and
even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with
a built in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you
don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved
your ass from drowning!!!"
Mrs. Fisher is teaching her first grade class about
syllables. Just to make sure that they really get the
idea, she is asking them to provide examples.
"Now class, can anyone think of a word with 2
syllables?
A little girl raises her hand.
"Yes, Susie."
"Ummm... Doggy!"
"Very good Susie! Did you hear that class? Dog-gy.
There's a break in the word. Now can anyone think
of a word with three syllables?"
A little boy raises his hand.
"Yes, Mike."
"Computer!"
"Very good Mike!
Then just to her amusement, she thought she'd just
ask.
"Now class, can anyone think of a word with four
syllables?"
The class is quiet. The a hand raises up. Upon
seeing who the hand belonged to, Mrs. Fisher
hesitated. But then, four syllables is a LOT. So she
figured 'why not?'
"Yes, Johnny?"
"Masturbation!"
Obviously taken aback, she manages to reply, "well
Johnny, that certainly is a mouthful."
"No, you're thinking blow-job and that's two
syllables."
> > > > > An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger
lady and they are very much in love. However, no
matter what the husband does sexually, the woman neve
achieves orgasm.
> > > > > Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual
pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi
listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes
the following suggestion.
> > > > >"Hire a strapping young man. While the two
of you are making love, have the young man wave a
towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and
should bring on an orgasm."
> > > > > They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel
over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and
she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to
the rabbi.
> > > > >"Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it
reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife
and you wave the towel over them."
> > > > > Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the
husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an
enormous,room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
> > > > > The husband smiles, looks at the young man
and says to him triumphantly, "You see, putz, THAT'S
the way you're supposed to wave a
towel!"
A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor
to complain that he is unable to get any women to have
sex with hime. They all tell me that my penis is too
long.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is
there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is
nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be
able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions
to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays
his story.
"Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get
any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten
it?"
The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look
at it." The man uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch
stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then
replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem.
What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the
forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a
log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask
the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog
declines your proposal, your penis will be 10 inches
shorter.
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the
forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there
was this frog on a log. He called out to the
frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him
dejectedly and replied. "NO".
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 10
inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud. "This is
great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll
ask the frog to marry me again."
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The
frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed
back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis,
looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter. The
man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at
his penis again, 30 inces long, and reflected for a
moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little
less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me
one more time.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled
out, "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog looked back
across the pond shaking it head,
NO!......NO!......and
for the last time......NO!!!"
> >
> > The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test.
> >
> > 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
> > hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah
> > is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
> >
> > 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
> > unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
> > went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
> > he ever reached Canada.
> >
> > 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
> >
> > 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
> > wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
> > moth.
> >
> > 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
> > advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
> > After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
> >
> > 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
> > and threw the java.
> >
> > 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
> > The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
> > made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
> >
> > 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
> > Shaw.
> >
> > 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
> > success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
> > "hurrah."
> >
> > 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
> > invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
> > the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
> > because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake
> > circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
> >
> > 11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
> > He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
> > much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
> > comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and
> > Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be
> > laid by Juliet.
> >
> > 12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
> > wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
> > paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
> >
> > 13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
> > Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
> > singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
> > electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided
> > against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
> >
> > 14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
> > mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
> > with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
> > Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went
> > to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
> > picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
> > supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
> >
> > 15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
> > large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster
> > which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
> > Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
> > Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
> > large.
> >
> > 16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
> > wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
> > was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
> >
> > 17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
> > inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
> > by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
> > to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
> > work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
> > Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
> > Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
> > Brothers.
<< An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical,
> his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the
> examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a
> urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
>
> The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife
> and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?"
>
> His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
> Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
the
> waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
> little strange, but I ignored it.
>
> However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also
> had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that
all
> the staff had spoons
> in their pocket.
>
> When the waiter came back to serve our soup Iasked, "Why the spoon?"
>
> "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting,
> experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several
> months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their
> spoons 73.84 percent more often
> than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately
3
> spoons per table per hour.
>
> If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce
the
> number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As
> luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
his
> spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead
of
> making an extra trip to get it right now."
>
> I was rather impressed.
>
> The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then
> noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
> Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging
> from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked
off,
> I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string
> right there?"
>
> "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as
> observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we
> can save time in the restroom."
>
> "How so?"
>
> "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we
> can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate
> the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by
> 76.39 percent."
>
> "Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how
do
> you put it back in?"
>
> "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about
> the others, but I use the spoon."
On their way to getting married, a young couple was involved in
a fatal car accident. The couple soon finds themselves sitting
outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them
into Heaven. While they are waiting, the couple begins to
wonder, "Could they possibly get married in Heaven?"
When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't
know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go
find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits and waits for an answer. It takes St. Peter a
couple of months. While they are waiting, they discuss whether
or not they should be married, what with the eternal aspect of
it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck
together forever?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."
Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering. What if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in
Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asks the frightened couple.
"OH, C'MON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find
a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me
to find a lawyer?!"
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody.
When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.
So the doctor she asked. "What's wrong?"
"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"
"Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "Uh, I hadn't really
thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
>Three Guys in Heaven
> >
> > Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.
> > When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
>heaven...don't step on the ducks."
> >
> > So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks
> > all over the place.
> >
> > It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and
> > Although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally
>steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw.
>St. Peter chains them together and
> > says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
> > eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
> >
> > The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a
> > duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him
>is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same
>admonishment as for the first guy.
> >
> > The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be
> > chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he
>steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
>St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid
>eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy brunette. St. Peter chains
>them
> > together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to
>deserve to be chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know
>about you, but I stepped on a > duck."
> >
> > > > >>
> > > > >>An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his
> > confession.
> > > > >>"Father, during World War 2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and
> > > > >>asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and
> > they
> > > > >>never found her."
> > > > >>
> > > > >>The priest replied: "that was a wonderful thing you did, my son and
> > you
> > > > >>have no need to confess."
> > > > >>
> > > > >>It's worse father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with
> > her
> > > > >>sexual favors."
> > > > >>"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if
> > > > >>the Germans had found her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will
> > > > >>balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly. You are forgiven."
> > > > >>
> > > > >>"Thank you, father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have
> > > > >>one more question."
> > > > >>"And what is that?"
> > > > >>"Should I tell her the war is over?
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him
cremated and brought his ashes home with her. Picking
up the urn that he was in, she poured his ashes out on
the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the
ashes, she started talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money."
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money."
"Irving, you know that emerald necklace you
promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance
money."
Still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she
said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes...."
>An old Jewish couple are sitting around one evening, and the man says to
>his >wife, "Yetta, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding
anniversary. >We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and
blessings. >But there's something I've always wondered about: Tell the
truth. >Have you ever been unfaithful to me?" > >She hesitates a moment,
then says, "Yes, 3 times, Mervin." >"Three times? How could this happen?"
Mervin asks. >The wife begins recalling slowly, "Well, do you remember
right after we >were >married and we were so broke, and the bank was
going to foreclose on our >little house?" > >"Yes, that was really a
terrible time," replies the man. > >Yetta continued, "And remember when I
went to see the banker one night >and >the next day the bank extended
our loan?" > >"That's hard to take," the man says, "but I guess it really
was for us, >so I >can forgive you. What was the second time?" >
>"Well," she continued, "Do you remember years later when you almost died
>from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?" >
>"Yes, of course." the man replies. > >"Then you will remember that right
after I went to see the doctor, he did >your operation at no cost?" >
>"That's true," Mervin nodded. "That shocks me, Yetta , but I do
>understand >that you did it out of love for me, and I forgive you. >
>"So, what was the third time?" > >Yetta lowers her head and says,
"Mervin, do you remember when you ran for >Temple President and needed 62
more votes?" > > > > >
> An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally
> time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding
> how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements
> and so on.
>
> Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
> physical relationship.
>
> "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
>
> "Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
>
> The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,
so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite
sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that
bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If
you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up
and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He
says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold
on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get
for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob."
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for
thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in
the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE
PENIS.
She stares at it for a minute, and then
says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the
corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this
guy seventy bucks?"
> > A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a
> > bar.
> > She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and
> > whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some
> > Spanish-fly in the drink.
> > The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all
> > he
> > has left is Jewish-fly.
> > "Jewish-fly?" Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, "OK, put some of
> > that
> > in her drink."
> > As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming
> > up
> > to the guy. Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in
> > his
> > ear, "Let's go shopping."
> >
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a
bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the
chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die.
But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for
three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first
wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse," The
Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear
and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the
back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse
comes back with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee
with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other,
figuring, "Typical white man...only think one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over
to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear,
then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse
comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes
in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical
white man going die tomorrow...can only think one
thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This
last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the
horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read
my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!!!!!!!!!!"
Subject: Woman Bashing
Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your
dick ?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
Q. How is a woman like a laxative ?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples
for ?
A. Its Braille for "suck here".
Q. Why do men die before their wives ?
A. They want to.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out
women ?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a
pitbull ?
A. Lipstick.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives
women wild?
A. Money.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the
Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4
days.
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go
they take your house and car with them.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your
job ?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job ?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
Q. What are the two things you can't get at home?
A. Eggs Benedict and a blow job.
> >
> >> A woman walks into a shop that sells VERY EXPENSIVE PERSIAN RUGS.
> >> > She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to
inspect
> >it.
> >> > As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very
> >> > embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her
> >little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
> >> > As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good
day
> >> > Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
> >> > Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
> >> > He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it,
> >> > you're gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is."
A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the
serenity of a country dipping pond.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their
clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the
trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying
their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old
ladies from town approached them. Unable to get to
their clothes in time, the minister and the priest
covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face
while they ran for cover.
After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back
on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he
covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied...
"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my
FACE that they would recognize."
OH, TO BE JEWISH!
>>
>> The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
>> The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
>> The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch."
>> The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
>> The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
>> The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
>> The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
>> The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
>> The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
--
> > > > > An attractive, well dressed woman walks into a
> > > > > shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.
> > > > > She looks around and spots the perfect rug and
> > > > > walks over to inspect it.
> > > > >
> > > > > As she bends to feel the texture of the run she
> > > > > farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around
> > > > > nervously to see if anyone has noticed.
> > > > >
> > > > > As she turns back, there, standing next to her
> > > > > is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help
> > > > > you today?"
> > > > >
> > > > > Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, how much does
> > > > > this rug cost?"
> > > > >
> > > > > He answers, "Lady, if you farted just touching
> > > > > it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price!"
A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch
talking, when the little girl suddenly winked and
asked "Do you want to get undressed and we can play
doctor?"
The little boy replied, "That's too old fashioned spit
out your gum, I want to play President."
A trucker who has been out on the road for
three weeks stops into a brothel outside
>Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam,
drops down $500 and says, "I want your
ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for
that kind of money you could have one of
my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I
ain't horny, I'm homesick."
Two military police were chasing a fleeing draftee
from the military base. The draftee ran into the
courtyard of a convent where a nun was seated on a round
bench beneath a tree quietly reading a book.
He said to her, "Quick Sister, please hide me. I
don't want to be drafted and the MP's are chasing me!"
She lifted up her skirts and said , "Hide under my
shirt." The two policemen came by and asked if she had
seen anyone. She replied "No".
After they left she told the boy to come out. All
was OK-clear. He said, "You have a nice set of legs
for a nun."
She replied, "If you reach up a little farther,
you'll find a set of balls! I'm not going to be drafted
either!"
>A drunk wandered into an all-night diner around 5:30 in the morning. The
>place was empty except for one tired waitress leaning on the counter and the
>
>short-order cook who was cleaning up for the day shift.
>
>As the drunk stumbled onto a stool at the counter, the waitress, obviously
>annoyed, asked him, "What'll you have?"
>
>The drunk mumbled, "I want an egg omelet, home fries, toast and black
>coffee."
>
>The waitress handed the order slip through the kitchen window to the cook as
>
>she rolled her eyes back in her head indicating her displeasure.
>
>The cook said, "I only have one egg because I didn't go out back yet to the
>chicken coop."
>
>"Don't worry" whispered the waitress, "Just mix anything in the omelet with
>the egg to fluff it up. He's so drunk, he won't know the difference."
>
>The cook looked around the kitchen and decided to mix in some Limburger
>cheese. "That should really fluff it up" he thought.
>
>Finally the order was ready and the waitress placed it before the drunk who
>had almost fallen
>asleep. "Enjoy" she said.
>
>With that, the drunk ravenously cleaned up the last of the omelet and
>potatoes with his toast and with a mild belch, finished the last of his
>coffee.
>
>"How was everything?" asked the waitress.
>
>The drunk looked at her through bleary eyes and said "Good, but I've got a
>question to ask you. Where do you get your eggs?"
>
>"We get them fresh everyday from our chicken coop in the back" replied the
>waitress.
>
>"Have you got a rooster back there?" asked the drunk.
>
>"No" replied the waitress.
>
>The drunk stood up as he unsteadily made it for the door and said, "You'd
>better get one 'cause I think there's a skunk fucking your chickens."
>A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband
> >
> > liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning
>the
> >
> > husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a
> >
> > short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided
>to
> >
> > take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to
> > reading
> >
> > her book.
> >
> >
> > Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said,
> >
> > "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she
>replied...
> > as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"
> >
> > "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her." "But officer,
>I'm
> > not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment.
>I'll
> > have to take you in and write you up."
> >
> >
> > "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate
> > woman." "But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
> >
> >
> >
> > "Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
> >
> >
> >
> > MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she
> >
> > can also think.
**********
The Watch
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge
and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up
to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his
wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the
stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this
out"...and he shows him a time zone display, not just
for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest
metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on
the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six" in
a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the
same voice says something in Japanese.
Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each
city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the
voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb
with admiration.
"That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more
buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New
York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot
shows our location by satellite positioning," explains
Jake.
"View recede ten", Jake says, "and the display changes
to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working
out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this",
and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a
very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital
tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to
125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and,
most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I
only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says
Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready!"
"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls
out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into
materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make
another one and have it ready for merchandising in six
months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and
waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to
you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and
peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the
stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who
turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases
he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus
station. "Don't forget your batteries."
>>A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home
>>for Rosh Hashana.
>>
>>The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you
>>light the candles?"
>>"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hannukah."
>>
>>The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when
>>you eat the unlevened bread?"
>>"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover. Rosh Hashana is the
>>holiday when we blow the shofar."
>>
>>"See," the Catholic Girl replies. "That's what I like about you
>>Jews...you're
>>so good to your help."
> > A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a
> > meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I woke up to this thumping
> noise
> > coming out of your bedroom. When I look to see what it is, you're on
> top
> > of Dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
> > The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your father is a
> > little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. So I
> > bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
> > The little kid shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your
> > time."
> > The mother says, "Why is that, dear?"
> > The kid says, "Because, once a week, that pretty lady next door
> > comes over and blows Daddy right back up!"
A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to
Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
"Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass
Room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates.
"Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass
Room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being
different rooms for different religions,
but why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Catholics are in
Room 8, and they think they're the only ones
here."
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint
Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room
house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was
pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of
Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine
parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine
tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did
you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of
these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I
got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill,
with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and
three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked
Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain
of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately
stalked off to find St.Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just
met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house,
while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine
suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the
Windows operating system! Why does he deserve
better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the
Titanic only crashed once."
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the
doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something
to tell you about your child..."
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her
face and says, "What's wrong with my baby?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing wrong with your
baby, it's just a little different. It's a
hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite,
what's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both features of a
male and a female."
The woman looks at him and says, "Whew"...You mean
it has a penis AND a brain?"
>Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
>
>It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe,
"You
>know how we have both loved softball all our lives. Sam, you have to do me
>one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's softball
>in heaven."
>
>Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe you've been my friend
>many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.
>
>It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant
>voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
>
>"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
>
>"Moe, it's Sam."
>
>"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
>
>"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
>
>"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
>
>"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good
>news and some bad news."
>
>"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
>
>"The good news," says Sam "is, there is softball in heaven."
>
>"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"
>
>"You're pitching Tuesday.
>Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a
>>long-standing obsession-to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts.
>>But he knew the penalty for this would be death.
>>One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the
>>King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need
>>1,000 gold coins to pay bribes". Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
>>The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little
>>of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she
>>dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to
>>the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if
>>applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
>>shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's
>>mouth.
>>King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial
>>command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching
>>lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four
>>hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
>>Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment.
>>However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio
>>anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this
>>matter to the King.
>>The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into
>>King Arthur's loincloth.
>> And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King.
>
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young woman with three small children
running around at her feet. He said, "I'm
doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it
all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it
for?" "We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He
said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it
on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it
for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've
been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use
it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling
you at all.
My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps
the kids out."
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates
past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had
any contact with a penis?"
The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched
the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the
holy water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister
Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I
fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy
water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line
of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the
line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter
says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!"
The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that
holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her
ass in it!"
VOODOO DICK
There was a businessman who was going on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort,
so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her
occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like
the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a
store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He
thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too
close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for
something special to please his wife, and started
talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained
his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really
know of anything that will do the trick. We have
vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there
is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled
out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He
opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what
it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo
dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to
the door,and started screwing the keyhole. The whole
door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed
down the middle. Before the door could split, the old
man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The
voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay
there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man
resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his
wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use
it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be
fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days,
the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several
people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said,
"Voodoo dick, my pussy!"
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started
pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided
she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was
stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut
it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if
they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve
off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He
asked for her license, and then asked much she'd had to
drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she
hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck
in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer
looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yeah, right......... Voodoo dick, my ass!"
A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are
looking at a portrait that has them a little taken
aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men
sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the
one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the
picture, the artist walks by and says, "Can I help you
with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't
understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and
the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other
two have a black penis."
The artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the
painting. They're not African men, they are West
Virginia coal miners and the one in the middle went home
for lunch."
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an
abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas
pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien
repeated the greeting.There was no response. The alien,
annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's
haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said
impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your
leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't
want to make him mad!" But before he finished his
warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge
explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the
desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally
regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the
other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn
near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've
learned during my travels through the galaxy... any guy
who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then
stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess
with!"
This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the
bartender where's the bathroom at? The bartender say's,
go down the hall & make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this
loud scream and wonders what is going on in the
bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at
the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the
bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to
investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He
opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the
screaming about in here? You are scaring all my
customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every
time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes
the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in
and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!!!"
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the
hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive
red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road.
The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance
of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and,
despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures,
is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-
shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is
absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion,
golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and
stares, and his attention is only distracted from the
lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and
drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist
resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to
masturbate!" "But..." stammers the driver. "Du it now -
or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver turns his back on
the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.
Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take
him long.
"Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin!" "But....."
says the driver. "Now!" So the driver does it
again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the
Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The
hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed
himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing
(as promised for years by his priest) and despite the
cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on
the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again!" says the Highlander. "I can't do it any
more! You'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped
on the roadside.
"All right laddie." he says, "NOW, can you give ma
daughter a lift to Inverness?"
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience
at their exclusive country club when this stunning young
woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a
big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire
the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find
and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but
remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more
wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers
in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and
no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room
house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision
is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
>
> << What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
> >> > > 1 US leader
> >> > >
> >> > > What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
> >> > > Their balls are just for decoration.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
> >> > > It scares the hell out of the dog.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > What is a Yankee?
> >> > > The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic
> divers?
> >> > > Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > What is the new O.J. web site address?
> >> > > slash.slash.backslash.escape
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
> >> > > Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
> >> > > Beat IT-we're closed.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
> >> > > To find a tight seal.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
> >> > > She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > Why is air a lot like sex?
> >> > > Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the
> >> > > outside?
> >> > > K9P
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > What is another name for pickled bread?
> >> > > Dill-dough.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
> >> > > She's withholding evidence.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > What is the difference between light and hard?
> >> > > You can sleep with a light on.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > Why is sex like a bridge game?
> >> > > You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > What is the height of conceit?
> >> > > Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > What is the definition of macho?
> >> > > Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
> >> > > You can't hear an enzyme.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery
bag?
> >> > > One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play
with
> >>.....
> >> > > the other is used to carry groceries.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > Where do you find a dog with no legs?
> >> > > Right where you left him
>
Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their
>white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and
>were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them
>"brides of Christ."
>
>Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with
>yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front
>row.
>
>The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to
>share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why
>you came?"
>
>One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."
A lady bought a new Mercedes, which cost a bundle. Two
days later, she brought it back complaining that the
radio wasn't working.
"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in
this car is completely automated. All you need to do is
tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear
exactly that!"
She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused.
She looks at the radio and says, "Nelson."
The radio responds, "Ricky or Willie?"
Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds
of "On The Road Again." The lady was astounded. If she
wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted,
Nat King Cole, she got it.
She stopped at an intersection, and when her light
turned green she pulled out. Off to her right, out of
the corner of her eye, she saw a sports utility vehicle
speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly avoided a
collision.
"ASSHOLE...!" she screamed.
And from the radio, she heard: "Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United States."
While undressing for bed one night, Bill notices
something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he
thinks, I can't let Hillary see this!" and makes a
point of getting to his doctor the very next day.
"Doc," he says, I've got this red ring around my,
you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?" The
doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is
but take these pills for a week and see if that takes
care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something
else".
Bill takes the pills for the week but,
unfortunately, the red ring is still there after seven
days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him that the
pills hadn't helped. So the doctor prescribes another
medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same
instructions, "Take them for a week and come back if
it's not improved".
Bill takes the capsules for a week and damn, the
ring is still there. So he goes back to his doctor and
asks, "What's next"?
The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this
time. "Rub this on every day for a week and let me
know".
Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news,
doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was
wonderful. What was it"?
The doctor replied, "lipstick remover".
Twelve monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude,
while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each monk had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first monk, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same repose from all the monks
until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell
clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the
bell.
And then, all the other bells started to ring.......
This is a true story. A college classmate came into
class laughing. When we asked why, she told us this
story....She was on her way to school, running late as
usual, & speeding a bit. A Highway patrolman pulled her
over. Now she was very women's lib & he was quite a
macho man. He asked her..."Young woman, why do you think
I stopped you?"She, not liking his attitude,
replied..."I assume you want to sell me tickets to the
Policemen's Ball!" He, also not liking her attitude
answered with..."For your information, young lady,
Highway Patrolmen don't have balls!" When he realized
what he had just said, he turned several shades of red,
got back in his car and left without giving her a
ticket. She laughed all the rest of the way to school!
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some
kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a
new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the
bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and
its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a
$250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of
the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are
very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What
puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him,
and as he sits, the bartender comes over, and asks for
his order. The man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns
to the ostrich. "What about you?"
"I'll have a beer too," says the ostrich. The bartender
pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and
the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
change for payment.
The next day, the man and ostrich come again, and the
man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll
have the same." Once again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two
enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large
scotch" says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again
the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his
curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage
to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning
the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a
Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish
was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put
my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people
would wish for a million dollars or something, but
you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you
live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with
the ostrich?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with
long legs."
> "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
> -- Sharon Stone
>
> "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
> -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
>
> "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
> -- Jack Nicholson
>
> "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
> but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
> -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
>
> "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
> genitals through his wallet."
> -- Robin Williams
>
> "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
> only time of the month that I can be myself."
> -- Roseanne
>
> "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
> -- Billy Crystal
>
> "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
> undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women.
> They
> say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful."
> -- Robert De Niro
>
> "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
> are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
> severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
> -- Dustin Hoffman
>
> "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
> know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
> -- Jerry Seinfield
>
> "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
> like and just give her a house."
> -- Rod Stewart
>
> "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
> enough blood to run one at a time."
> -- Robin Williams
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they
did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian
reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep
and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke
only Navajo, asked a question which his son
translated. "What are these guys in the big suits
doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for
their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited
and asked if he could send a message to the moon with
the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the
spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked the
son to translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation
where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but
refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official
government translator. He reported that the moon
message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have
come to steal your land."
The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba
had so many women hanging around that he couldn't
possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked
Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to
have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the
dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em
forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the
bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a
window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and
started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and
said, "That you Bubba?"
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too
swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary
and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded
to make five "blank" copies.
Three men, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and President
Bush are out walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of
it. "I will give each one of you one wish, that's three
wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer,
and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever
fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's
eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever fertile for
farming.
Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around Afghanistan, so that no infidels can come into
our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's
eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
President Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high,
500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country;
nothing can get in or out----virtually impenetrable."
President Bush says, "Very impressive. Fill it with
water."
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders
a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal.
I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right, " the guy says, "I don't have any money,
but if I show you something you haven't seen before
will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar, it runs to
the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across
the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts
playing Gerswhin.
"You're right I haven't heard anyting like that before,"
says the bartender. "The hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for
another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?"
asks the bartender. "Watch this," replies the guy.
Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog.
He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog
starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous voice
and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him $300
for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy.
He takes the three hundred and gives the
stranger the frog. The stranger runs out
of the bar.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You
sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been
worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy.
"The hamster is a ventriloquist."
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes
me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000
he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have
the proof we need to nail him."
Observations on Sex...
* "What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
Tom Clancy
* "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin
* "You know that look women get when they want sex?
Me neither." Drew Carey
* "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as
meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen
* "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't
have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Unknown
* "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life
at all."
Rodney Dangerfield
* "My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which
makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
Bill Kelly
* "As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women
and clergymen."
Rev. Sydney Smith
* "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a
date on Saturday night."
Woody Allen
* "Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the
truly gifted aren't burdened with children."
Sam Austin
* "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was
dirty."
George Burns
* "I can remember when riding motorcycles was dangerous
and sex was safe."
Unknown
* "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of
getting married."
Matt Barry
* "Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
Unknown
* "My kid had sex with your honor student."
Bumper Sticker [I think this was my pick of the bunch!]
* "My sexual preference is not you."
T-shirt
* "Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to
support it for the rest of your life."
Michael Sinz
* "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too
fast."
Woody Allen
* "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
* "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.
The other eight are unimportant."
Henry Miller
* "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals
and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean
that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they
need more supervision."
Lynn Lavner
* "There are a number of mechanical devices which
increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
P. J. ORourke
Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and
Powell?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you
guys doing?"
And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Afghans this time and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no-
one would worry about the 140 million Afghans!"
<< The young bride approached her waiting husband on their wedding
night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his
highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30
years, with him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes,
etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very
drunken state. Over the next few minutes, she heard of the ravages of
financial ruin, caused by corporate down-sizing and it's effects on a 50
year old executive.
Nonplussed, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local
hospital. Pointing to the fine structure, she informed him that he owned
the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent.
She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years
totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot,
she gestured toward the local bank, while handing him stock certificates
worth nearly $2 million dollars, and informing him that he was the
largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had
charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her
investments.
By now, he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the
car. She asked him why he was so upset in light of such good news.
He tearfully responded, "If only I had known what you were doing all
these years, I would have given you all of my business!" >>
******************************************************
There was once a great actor who could no longer
remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre
where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine
again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and
it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the
opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose
with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply
and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my
mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's
practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the
time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto
the stage, and with great passion delivers the
line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with
laughter, but the director is steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!"
The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my
line?"
"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Do you know the difference between the women from
USA and the women from Afghanistan?
Women in the USA get stoned before they commit adultery!
A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her
underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs
wide open.
"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist,
"the gynecologist's office is one level higher."
To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my
husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one
getting them out."
A boy and his father are walking along in the park, and
the boy sees two dogs mating. The boy asks his
father, "What are those dogs doing" The father tells the
boy that the dogs are making puppies. Later that evening
the son walks into his parent's bedroom to discover that
they are making love, and the son asks the father what
they are doing? The father says, "We're making you a
baby brother."The boys says to his father, "Turn Mommy
over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"
>> A couple have been happily married for 40 years. The only friction in
>their
>> marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he
>> awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes
>water
>> and cause her to gasp for air.
>>
>> Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
>> was making her sick. He told her that he couldn't stop and that it was
>> perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor because she was concerned
>> that one day he would blow his guts out.
>>
>> The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving
>> morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
>sound
>> asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and
>neck,
>> gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to
>her.
>>
>> She took the bowl upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently
>> pulled back the bed covers. She pulled back the elastic waistband of his
>> underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
>>
>> Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting,
>> followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as
>he
>> ran to the bathroom.
>>
>> The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing
>> with tears in her eyes. After years of torture she smiled as she enjoyed
>> getting back at him. About twenty minutes later the husband came
>downstairs
>> in his bloodstained underpants, a look of horror on his face.
>>
>> She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you
>> were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
>"What
>> do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I
>would
>> end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But...by the
>grace
>> of God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of them back in!"
>>
A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking the
single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written
on it only one word. "SCHMUCK".
The next Friday night he announced, "I have known many
people who have written letters and forgot to sign their
names". But this week, I received a letter from someone
who signed his name and forgot to write a letter.
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an
IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says
to them, "You're all part of our team now. You can
earn good money here, and you can go to the company
canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the
other employees." The cannibals promised they would not
trouble anyone.
Four weeks later the boss returns and
says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very
satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners
has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to
her?"
The cannibals claimed that they had no knowledge at
all of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left,
the leader of the cannibals demands, "Which of you
idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of
the cannibals snaps, "You fool! For four weeks we've
been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers
so no-one would notice anything, but you had to go and
eat the cleaner!"
A rich man walked into the offices of the president of a
small university and said, "I'd like to donate a million
dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a
condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."
The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem.
We can certainly arrange that!"
The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."
"For your horse???"
"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I
owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a
Doctor of Transportation."
"But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!"
"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to
another educational institution."
"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the
million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with
the school's trustees."
A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the
president related the deal and the condition. All of the
board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the
oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep.
One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary
degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved."
The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the
money and give the horse the degree."
The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a
disgrace to us?"
"Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would
be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a
degree to an ENTIRE horse."
> Love dress
>
> The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the
> recently married couple's
> house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the
> house. She saw her
> daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What
> are you doing?" she asked.
> "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,"
> the daughter-in-law
> answered.
> >
> > "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
> >
> > "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law
> explained.
> >
> > "Love dress? But you're naked!"
> >
> > "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes
> him happy and it makes
> me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave
> because he will be home
> from work any minute."
> >
> > The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic
> talk and left. On the way
> home she thought about the love dress. When she got
> home she undressed,
> showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the
> front door. Finally her
> husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing
> naked by the door.
> >
> > "What are you doing?" he asked.
> >
> > "This is my love dress" she replied.
> >
> > "Needs ironing." he said.
>God greets Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates.
>
>
>"Thou art hungry, Mother Teresa?" asks God.
>
>
>"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches
>
>for a chunk of rye bread.
>
>
>While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees
>
>the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and
>
>fine wines! Curious but trusting, Mother Teresa remains quiet.
>
>
>The next day God again invites Mother Teresa to join him for a meal. Again,
>
>it is tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Mother Teresa sees the
>
>denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
>
>Still Mother Teresa is silent.
>
>
>The following day, mealtime arrives, and another can of tuna is opened.
>
>Mother Teresa can contain herself no longer. Meekly, she says: "Lord, I am
>
>grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I
>
>led. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread
>
>and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, but I
>
>just don't understand..."
>
>
>"Mother Teresa," God says. "For just two people, it pays to cook?"
>
>
>
A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining
that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made
a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and
concurred with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come
back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and
a cookie with you." said the doctor. Despite the
seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned
the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor then
said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is
going to hurt a bit." Although stunned by the turn of
events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The
doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed
it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his
watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the
doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the
second part of the treatment if you truly want to get
rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor. Despite the
pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied
with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor
took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's
ass. "Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same
time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the
doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in
his eyes, nodded his head. The next day, the same
routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana,
waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie.
And the next day, and the next day and the next...!!
Every day UP went a banana, waited one minute, then UP
went the cookie. After one full week of treatment, the
doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of
treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a
hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient,
trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel
like. "Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor. On the
last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine".
So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the
banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up
the hammer. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three.
Four minutes passed. Finally, a little head poked out of
the patient's ass. "WHERE'S MY COOKIE???" **WHAM**
President Bush was very curious about how the Jewish
people knew everything before he did. So he called the
CIA and FBI and asked them to figure it out. A week
later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews
have something called Shabbat, and they meet each other
at the synagogue, and there is a code.
They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key
to this secret: "Nu?" When one says to other, "Nu?", the
other tells him everything... every bit of news."
This Bush wanted to see for himself. The secret service
dressed him like a Hassid, and taught him to read from
the right to the left of the Siddur (prayer book ).
Bush arrived at a synagogue on Shabbat, and sat beside
another religious man. He waited for a moment, and
said, "Nu?"
The man answered... "Shh, Bush is coming!"
G.W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the
same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked
on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a
conversation,for fear it would turn to politics. As the
barbers finished their shaves,the one who had Clinton in his chair
reached for the aftershave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying: " No thanks,
my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said: "how
about you?" Bush replied "Go ahead. My wife Laura
doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one
day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.
"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work
for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
"'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" says the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He
marches on stage and shouts:
"Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be
here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a
major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs
to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I
hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar".
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is
stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the
bouncer.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, get
up to makeup straight away.
So he runs up to make up. "Who the hell are you" asks the
makeup girl.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit
down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get
down to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you"
asks the stage manager.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', get on there, the
curtains about to go up"
So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house
is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him,
and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one very often
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.
A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he
came across this salt encrusted piece of metal. He
worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and
behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to
buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie
appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be
freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates,"
says the guy.
The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the
guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie
called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that
Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a
dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made:
Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio
system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his
hand and the best car anybody had ever seen pops out of
the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third
wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl--
nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly
had become a girl magnet. The guy could not find
anything that warranted using his third and last wish.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything
now. May I save the third wish for later?"
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the
hammer, and I can't escape from this lamp until you make
a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh
the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable
lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red
Porsche. He turns on the radio to balance the sounds
and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his
great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulls off the beach and heads south
along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he's up to 60,
the 70 then 80 MPH. The Porsche handled perfectly. The
guy is so happy that he begins too sing along with the
familiar commercial on the radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener...."
There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical
(SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting
dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
go
this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister
Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what
has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what appened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so
he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down........
And those of you who thought it would be dirty, Pray for forgiveness
Do you need legal assistance? We can help!
Click Here:
http://209.217.41.97/legal.html
AOL users click here
***** FUNPAGE OF THE DAY ***********
"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
Click here: http://www.top-greetings.com/art/386
AOL users Click Here
When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public
life, the British Ambassador and his wife threw a Gala
dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the
Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame De Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure,
such a presence on the French and international scene
for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in
comparison. What are you most looking forward to in
these retirement years Madame?"
"A penis," replied Madame De Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her
answer and no one knew quite what to say next.
Le grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma
cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat
word,'appiness!'"
>>There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street.
>>
>>Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He
>>tells me
>>he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease
>>called herpes.
>>
>>Golda asks Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch
>>it?"
>>
>>Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's
>>engagement. It's past time he settled down.
>>
>>As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
>>
>>"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home.
>>
>>I'll look it up and call you."
>>
>>So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth...
>>
>>"Ruth, keinahurra (thank goodness!), I found it. Not to worry!
>>
>>It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"
A journalist assigned to the news bureau in Jerusalem has an apartment
overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an
old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good
interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces
herself to the old man.
"You come every day to the Wall", she says. "How long have you done that
and what are you praying for?"
"I have come here to pray every day for 25 years," replies the old man.
"In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man.
I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the
eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very
important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and
Palestinians."
The journalist is impressed. "You've come here every day for 25 years
and prayed for all these wonderful things!" she says. "How does that
make you feel?"
Says the old man: "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
> Three very pious Jews dressed in long black coats with long beards were
> playing golf. A guy name Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the
> only threesome in which he could play. So, he joins the rabbis and
> plays 18 holes.
>
> At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104. The rabbis had shot 69,
> 70 and 72. So, he says to the rabbis, "How come you guys shoot such
> good golf?"
>
> The head rabbi says, "When you lead a religious life, and attend the
> right synagogue, you are rewarded."
>
> Mulhaney, a true lover of golf, thinks: "What have I got to lose?" He
> converts to Judaism, joins a synagogue near his home, attends services
> regularly and leads a holy life.
>
> About a year later, he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He
> shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, "OK, I
> converted, I joined a synagogue, I observe the mitzvot and I still shoot
> a 104. What's the deal?"
>
> "What synagogue did you join?" asks the head rabbi.
>
> "Beth Shalom" is Mulhaney's reply.
>
> The rabbi retorted: "Schmuck, that one is for tennis!"
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat
market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only
got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your
chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob
was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over
enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun,
and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He
killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of
bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade
broke, and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
>THE UNION
>> >>A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in
>> >>Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local
>> >>brothels nearby.
>> >>When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a
>> >>union house?"
>> >>"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
>> >>"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
>> >>"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get 20.00."
>> >>Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
>> >>down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
>> >>His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
>> >>responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."
>> >>The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls
>> >>get?"
>> >>"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."
>> >>"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam
>> >>$100.00,
>> >>looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive
>> >>blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
>> >>"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an
>> >>85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
>> >>
We had, a female news anchor who, the day
after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned
to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 6
inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard.
>
>Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though
he proved to be
>successful in business, his problem annoyed
him greatly. One day he
needed
>to
>hire a new manager for his company, so he set
up three interviews.
>
>The first guy was great. He knew everything he
needed to know and
>was very interesting. But at the end of the
interview, Dave asked him,
>"Do you notice anything different about me?"
>
>"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you
have no ears," came the
>reply.
>
>Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw
him out of the office.
>The second interview was with a woman, and she
was even better than
>the first guy. But he asked her the same
question: "Do you notice
>anything different about me?"
>
>"Well," she said stammering, "you have no
ears."
>Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a
rage.
>
>The third and final interviewee was the best of
the bunch, he was a
>young man who had recently earned his MBA. He
was smart. He was handsome,
>and he seemed to be a better businessman than
the first two put
>together.
>
>Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the
young man the same
>question:
>"Do you notice anything different about me?"
>Much to his surprise, the young man answered,
"Yes, you wear contact
>lenses, don't you?"
>
>Dave was shocked and realized this was an
incredibly observant
>person. "How in the world did you know that?",
he asked.
>The young man fell off his chair laughing
hysterically and replied,
>
>"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
<< >Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that
> >the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
> >
> >Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course
> > she agreed and they made passionate love.
> >
> >Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
> > have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
> >
> >Alma agrees and again they make love.
> >
> >Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
> > hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey?
> >
> >Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward
> > she rolled over and fell asleep.
> >
> >Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
> >turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on
> >the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!
> >
> >Could we...?"
> >His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have
> > to get up in the morning! You don't."
> >
>>
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
>> this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show
>> in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great
>> prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at
>> work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
>> If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random
>> yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge
>> the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If
>> their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they
>> both win the prize.
>>
>> One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of
>> Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the
>> funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
>>
>> DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of
>> 'MateMatch'?"
>> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
>> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,
>> Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
>> Contestant: "Brian."
>> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
>> Brian: "Yes."
>> DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
>> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
>> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
>> Brian: "Sara."
>> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
>> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>> DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
>> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
>> DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
>> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>> DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
>> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
>>
>> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>>
>> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
>>
>> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
>>
>> Brian: "About 10 minutes."
>>
>> >DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
>that
>> >if a trip wasn't at stake."
>> >
>> >Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
>> >morning?"
>> >
>> >Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
>> > DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
>> >Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
>for
>> >a couple of weeks..."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Uh huh..."
>> >
>> >Brian: "... and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>> >
>> >Brian: "On the kitchen table."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
>> >times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's
>> >work number and call her up. You listen to this."
>> >
>> >3 minutes of commercials follow.
>> >
>> >DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....
>> >ringing....)
>> >
>> >Clerk: "Kinkos."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
>> >
>> >Clerk: "This is she."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and
>> >I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
>> >
>> >Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
>> >
>> >DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
>give
>> >any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of
>> >'MateMatch'?"
>> >
>> >Sarah: "No."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Good!"
>> >
>> >Brian: (laughing)
>> >
>> >Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
>> >
>> >Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
>> >honest."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
>your
>> >answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
>Orlando,
>> >Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the
>Magic's
>> >game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
>> >
>> >Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
>> >
>> >Sarah: "Oh God, Brian.... uh, this morning before
>> >
>> > Brian went to work."
>> >
>> >DJ: "What time?"
>> >
>> >Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
>> >
>> >Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
>> >manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
>from
>> >a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
>> >
>> >Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>> >
>> >DJ: "Where did you have it?"
>> >
>> >Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
>> >
>> >Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
>> >
>> >DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
>> >
>> >Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
>> >
>> >DJ: Come on Sarah..... where did you have it?
>> >
>> >Sarah: "In the ass....."
>> >
>> >After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
>
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his
way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George
Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped
conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the
face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end
the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry
punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I
allowed the Federal government to provide for the common
defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph
of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have
the same love for liberty and America.
As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him
up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be
judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot
destination, he screams "This is not what I was
promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72
Virginians waiting for you, Dumb Ass. What did you think
I said?"
********************************************************
>
>Mammogram Exercises
>
>Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no
>need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week
>preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will
>be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these
>simple exercises right in your home.
>
>EXERCISE ONE:
>Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door.
>Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
>Hold that position for five seconds.
>Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
>
>EXERCISE TWO:
>Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement
>floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably
>on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.
>Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently
>flattened and chilled.
>Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
>
>EXERCISE THREE:
>Freeze two metal bookends over night. Strip to the waist.
>Invite a total stranger into the room.
>Ask the stranger to press the bookends against one of
>your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as
>you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to
>meet next year and do it again.
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God
she
asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured
she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years! Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and
asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these
for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12
pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one
for February, one for March
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an
amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever
seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove
the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and
took
it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show
you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!"
she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my
love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky,"
he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess to you."
There's nothing to confess, replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's
all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
<< Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of
>their final narratives.
>
>All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!
>
>1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started
>to dig.
>
>
>2. I would not allow this student to breed.
>
>
>3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
>
>
>4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
>
>
>5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
>achieve them.
>
>
>6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold
>it all together.
>
>
>7. This child has been working with glue too much.
>
>
>8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
>
>
>9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
>
>
>10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
>week.
>
>
>11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
>1,000,000 others.
>
>
>12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone.
>
>
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist
from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese
restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a
corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe
Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in
Chinatown?" So he walked into the shop and saw a
fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could see
that the proprietors were clearly aware of the
uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats,
T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo
"Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs,
indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists
into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a
conversation piece to take back to his office.
Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman
who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a
name like
"Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody asks me that.
It's the name of the owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"
"He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me."
"Really? How did you ever get a name like Moishe
Plotnik?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago
when I came to this country, I was standing in line at
the documentation center. The man in front of me was a
Jewish gentleman from Poland.
"The lady at the counter looked at him and said, 'What
is your name?' " He said, 'Moishe Plotnik.'
"Then she looked at me and said, 'What is your name?'
"I said, 'Sam Ting.'"
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about
breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get
out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say,
"Scooby dooby doobiesI want bigger boobies."
She did this everyday faithfully and after several months,
it worked!
She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus
when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At
this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose
them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and
said, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by
any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock....................."
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
>
> The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with
>red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat socket.
>
> He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man
turned > to the priest and asked,"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
>
>"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
> too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
>prostitutes, and lack of bath.
>
>"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
>
>The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
> apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
> How long have you had arthritis?"
>
>"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
>>One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the
>>local forest. He had been walking by the small stream
>>when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a
>>toadstool.
>>
>>"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
>>
>>"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this
>>fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
>>
>>"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
>>
>>"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the
>>local church. I too was walking through this forest when
>>I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let
>>me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a
>>cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned
>>me into this frog you see before you."
>>
>>"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there
>>no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast
>>upon you?"
>>
>>"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind
>>person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and
>>warmth, and with a good night's sleep, I would wake up
>>an 11 year old Choir boy once again."
>>
>>"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up
>>the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots
>>of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the
>>frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he
>>saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
>>
>>"And that, your honor, is the case for the Defense!"
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore
tight knit dresses that showed off her figure,
especially when she walked. Her young,
aggressive boss motioned her into his office one
afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her
tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing
furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest
you quit advertising it."
The first Jewish President
The first Jewish President of the United
States calls his mother in Brooklyn, NY.
and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.
She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much
trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to
the airport, and I hate waiting on Ocean Blvd."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't
need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll
have to get my ticket at the airport, and
try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate
to sit in the middle... it's just too much
trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the
United States! I'll send Air Force One for
you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then
when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage
through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's
really too much trouble at my age.
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll
send a helicopter for you! You won't have to
lift a finger, the Secret Service will handle
everything.
She answers, "Yes, that's nice... but, you know,
I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are
so expensive, and I really don't like hotels..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President!
You'll stay at the White House in the Lincoln
Bedroom! "
She responds, "Well... all right... I guess I'll
come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend
Esther:
Esther: "Hello, Sylvia... so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Esther: "That wonderful. Which son?"
Sylvia: "You know my son Marvin, the doctor?"
Esther: "Yes."
Sylvia: "It's his brother."
A man was brought before the judge and charged with
necrophilia. The judge told him, "In 20 years on the
bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral
thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't
lock you up and throw away the key!"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons;
#1, It's none of your damn business;
#2, She was my wife;
and.....
#3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS
acted that way!"
>
>The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the
>Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence,
>we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million
>dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day
>our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'
>
>The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord
>- it must not be changed."
>
>"Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this
>reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require
>is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread'
>to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'
>
>Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is mpossible. For the prayer is the
>word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
>
>Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your
>adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate
>$500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic
>Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our
>daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it."
>And he leaves.
>
>The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good
>news," he announces, "and some bad news."
>
>"The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars."
>
>"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.
>
>"We're losing the Wonderbread account."
A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out
that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, "I know that you are not married!
Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can
of 'Baked Beans', would you know exactly which bean
made you fart?"
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with
his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest
feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if
it's true what they say about men with big feet. The
cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why
don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me
prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent
the night with him. The next morning she handed him a
$100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real
flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services
before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ... take the
money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
>
>Little Johnny came home from school to see the families
>pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set
>in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
>
>When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead
>and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs
>sticking up in the air?"
>
>His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can
>reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight
>up to heaven."
>
>Gee Dad, that's great", said little Johnny.
>
>A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet
>him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
>
>"What do you mean?" said Dad.
>
>"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to
>your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her
>legs in the air screaming, 'Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming',
>and if it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down,
>we'd have lost her for sure!"
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed
into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward
my bedroom window."
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice
replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police
Department."
"No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a
longer ladder!"
********************************************************
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to
see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing
feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled,
"How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But
then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then...
just tell my wife!"
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result
in being denied permission to play again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire
the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds
and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being
played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players
equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at
all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate
means of play when this is the case.
11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone
else is playing what they considered a private course.
12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in
common?
Men usually miss all three.
There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street
in Mexico City. One had a Christian cross in front of
him, the other one the Star of David. Many people went
by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the
hat of the one sitting behind the cross. A priest came
by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money
to the beggar behind the cross, but not to the beggar
behind the Star of David. Finally he went over to the
beggar behind the Star of David and said,
"Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a Star of David in front of you, especially when
you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross."
The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and,
turning to the Christian cross beggar, said:
"Moishe...look who's trying to teach us marketing."
********************************************************
The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the
bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there
on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in
rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged,
quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi,
surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where
we..."
"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You
don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you?
Bring on the girls."
Still confused, but understanding her professional
duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi
tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a
large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her
with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him
upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it
up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped
him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed.
There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed
with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In
fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself
surprised into orgasm.
As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing,
Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?"
The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-
eight years old."
"That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're
ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel
in the mood, please ask for me ... Rosie. I would be
delighted to oblige you."
The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you
mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep
for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be
in the mood again."
"Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap."
"Okay."
The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position,
face up, placed his arms across his chest and then
said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm
asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and
hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them.
Keep them absolutely motionless."
"Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was
told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet.
For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a
start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to
Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time
than the first.
As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful,
Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it
necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the
sheet while you were sleeping?"
"Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl
and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't
know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging
on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars."
A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited
a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to
the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest,meanest, most vicious
dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a
tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a
large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the
cage.
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something
better in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while
they found an even larger,meaner dog than the first. He snarled
at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his
cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to
earlier."
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for
you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly
large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass.
He did not seem to notice as the men approached.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed.
"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack
dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!"
"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a
lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
>Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist,
>A bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest has gone to waste.
>Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,
>My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.
>
>So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,
>Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear.
>And I'm no Chaim Yonkel, in fact I was shtick naches,
>But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm talking out my tuchas.
>Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better
>(Though it's really nisht geferlecht when one needs to write a letter)
>But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention,
>No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:
>
>They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,
>Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and let's not forget schlemazel.
>These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,
>So much better than "a pill " is to call someone 'farbissener.'
>Or - that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,
>And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.
>I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch,
>But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?
>Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,
>To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear.
>A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt,
>But you are speaking narishkeit.....And a gezunt auf dein kup!"
>
>GLOSSARY:
>Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
>Bisseleh = A little
>Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
>Och un vai = Alas and alack
>Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
>Pisk = mouth
>Naches = Joy, Gratification
>Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
>Nishtgeferlecht = Not so terrible
>Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
>Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role of being one
>Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered; dopey person
>Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person; same as schlemiel
>Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad
>luck (it is said that the schlemiel spills the soup on the Schlimazel!)
>Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
>Chaleria = Plague, i.e. "a chaleria zoll zi chapen".
>Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
>Hak a tsheinik = To get on one's nerves (Lit., Don't bang your teapot!)
>Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
>Mieskeit = Ugly
>Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
>Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone! Forget it!
>Nonsense! (Lit., a night's day)
>Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
>Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well
>said! Well done! (Lit., A long life upon your head.)
>Narishkeit = Nonsense
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Two immigrants meet on the street.
>
>"Hows by you?" asks one.
>
>"Could be worse. And you?"
>
>"Surviving. But I have been sick a lot this year and it's costing me a
>fortune. In the past five months,
>I've spent over $3000 on doctors and medicine."
>"Ach, back home on that kind of money, you could be sick for two years."
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>At his wife's insistence, Morty finally went for a check-up.
>
>"You look terrible," said the doctor. "Do you drink?"
>
>"Why yes," said Morty. "I start every day with a bottle of schnapps."
>
>"And that cough," the doctor continued, "you probably are a smoker."
>
>"You bet," said Morty. "Three packs a day for me."
>
>"Look Morty," the doctor said. "You're not a healthy man.
>You are going to have to give up smoking and drinking right away,
>and thats an order. And before you go, that'll be $100 for my advice."
>
>Morty replied, "Who's taking it?"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Morris meets Irving on the street.
>
>"Morris, did you hear about Sam Grossman"?
>
>"You mean Sam Grossman with the double hernia?"
>
>"Thats the one."
>
>"Sam Grossman with the liver condition and the bad leg?"
>
>"Yep, thats him."
>
>"Sam Grossman with the yellow skin, and his head
>always bobbing up and down?"
>
>"Yes him."
>
>"No I didn't hear about Sam Grossman. What happened to him?"
>
>"He died!"
>
>"Oy vey! And he was such a healthy man!"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
>
> From "Jewish As A Second Language," by Molly Katz
>
>The One Phrase You'll Never Hear a Jewish Person Utter.
>"No Problem"
>
>Because:
>
>1. There is no such thing as a situation that is not
>a problem, and
>
>2. No Jewish person would suggest a favor isn't being
>done when one is.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>UNDERSTANDING JEWISH CHIT CHAT
>Basic Vocabulary
>
>crime: a little bit of shame. (It's a crime to waste
>these nectarines.")
>
>little sweater: a cardigan. For no known reason, it
>is never called just a sweater. It has curative and
>protective powers. (I'm freezing in here. Get me a
>little sweater." Or, "Take a little sweater so you
>don't catch a chill.")
>
>ifGodforbid: an advance antidote. Since God monitors
>everything Jews say, it's vital not to give Him any
>ideas. You must signal Him so He'll know what you
>DON'T want. (IfGodforbid Sol should lose one of his
>stores...")
>
>nausea: a state of being that has nothing to do with
>the stomach. (I tried Neiman's. Their gowns were
>nauseating." Or, "We had to let the Lincoln go for
>sixteen-two. We were nauseous."
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A very blind man was standing on a street corner waiting for the light to
>change. A good Samaritan came along and asked if he could help. The
>following exchange ensued....
>
>..."Tell me, you've been standing here long?"
>
>..."Only a little while."
>
>..."I see you're wearing a Mogen Dovid. Have you been Jewish very long? "
>
>..."All my life, since birth."
>
>..."Have you been blind for very long?
>
>..."All my life, since birth."
>
>..."Tell me, did anyone ever tell you that you were a schvartza?"
> (schvartza = an African American person)
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A Jewish guy is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking
>a woman who's lying on the sidewalk.
>
>The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.
>
>The Jewish guy rolls down the window, and starts yelling,
>"Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!"
>
>> One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak
>> walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know
>> dear, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
>>
>> This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and kept
>> silent. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
>> breast. "You know love, if you firmed these up we could get rid of
>> your bras."
>>
>> That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by
>> the penis. Maintaining a vise-like grip, she whispered in his ear,
>> "You know dear, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the
>> postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."
> A car full of ladies from a Hadassah fund raising committee are in a
> terrible accident. They arrive at the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter
> is waiting. The women want to get into Heaven, so Saint Peter looks
> through the book, but can't find them listed in the New Arrivals section.
>
> "I'm sorry," Saint Peter says to them, "but I can't find you in the
> book, there must be some mistake."
>
> With that, he sends them down to Hell. A couple of days later, God
> asks Saint Peter, "What happened to those Jewish ladies who were supposed
> to be here?"
>
> "You mean the ones from Hadassah?" Saint Peter asks. "I didn't see
> them listed, so I sent them to Hell."
>
> "You WHAT?" God asks outraged, "I wanted them here. If you want to
> keep your job, you better call Satan and get them back up here ASAP."
>
> St. Peter gets on the phone and calls Hell. "Satan you know those
> Jewish ladies I sent down there? Well, I really need them up here. Could
> you please send them back?"
>
> "NO WAY," Satan replies. "They're here only two days and they've
➢ already raised $100,000 for an air conditioning system!"
George Carlin Strikes Again
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
make the Tennessee Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .
they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
>
<<
<< Teaching Math in 1950: >>
<<
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
>>
<< Teaching Math in 1960: >>
<<
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?
>>
<< Teaching Math in 1970:
>>
<< A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100.
Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
>>
<< A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
>>
<< Teaching Math in 1990: >>
<<
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000: >>
<<
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
>>
<< Teaching Math in 2010: >>
<<
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100.
La cuesta de production es............ >>
>>
What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet seat ?
A toilet seat only deals with one asshole at a time.
A woman from Chicago decided to go on vacation to Miami in the
1920s. Upon trying to check into a nice hotel, the concierge told
her,
"Sorry, there's no vacancy."
Just then, a man checked out. The woman then exclaimed,
"Good, now you have a room."
"Sorry", the man behind the counter replied, "this hotel is
restricted."
"And what does that mean?" she asked him. "Jews aren't allowed
here!"
"Well what makes you think I'm Jewish?" she shot back.
"I know you are!"
"Well, I'm not! I'm a Catholic! " she insisted.
"So tell me, " the man replied, "Did God have a son?"
"Sure."
"What was his name?"
"Jesus."
"And where was he born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a stable."
"And WHY was he born there?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent his parents a room!"
********************************************************
Morris, a parts manager for a small electronics shop, had
occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he
received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699
instead.
Furious at the factory's incompetence, Morris promptly sent the
part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.
Less than a week later, he received the same part back with
a letter containing just five words:
"MORRIS TURN THE BOX OVER."
>
>A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
>The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
>The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
>something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was
>Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
>German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
>Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would
>ya, huh? Would ya?"
>The clerk says, "Well, no."
>With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then,
>why did you ask me if I'm Polish? Just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
>The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
Dov Kalmanson is an actor - or, at least, he would be if he could get his
act together and find a job. He is down and out, and ready to settle for
anything, any opportunity. Finally he gets a lead. He discovers a job
described in the classified ads as follows:
"Actor needed to play ape."
"I could do that, " says Dov.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be none other than the
recruitment director for the local zoo.
The director confesses that owing to past mismanagement, the zoo has
spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that
they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace Betsy,
their previous ape, who is now in ape-Heaven. He then offers Dov the job
of
playing a real, live ape. Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer.
At first, Dov is at odds with his new job. His conscience keeps nagging
at him, telling him that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers.
And as you might expect, Dov feels rather undignified in the ape-suit,
stared
at by crowds of observers who watch his every move from the other side of
the
cage. But after a couple of days on the job, he actually begins to be
amused by
all the attention. He even starts to put on a bit of a show for the
zoo-goers:
hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the
looming vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might
whilst
beating his chest.
Indeed, he begins to become quite a popular attraction at the zoo,
drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when showing off to a group of kids on a school trip, Dov
starts swinging about on the vines with the greatest agility, when all of
a
sudden his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the
neighboring cage, the lion's den!
Recovering from the fall, Dov lifts up his head to see the lion
approaching! Terrified, Dov backs up as far as he can, covers his eyes
with
his paws, and screams at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisroel Ad-nai
Elokeinu
Ad-nai echad!" (Hear O Israel, the L-rd is our G-d, the L-rd is one!)
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch shem k'vod malchuso
l'olam va'ed!" (Blessed is the name of his glorious kingship forever and
ever!)
"Hush, you fools!" a panda bear mutters from a third cage. "You'II get
us all fired!"
>>Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He
>>sold
>>all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold
>>false teeth made.
>>
>>When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why
>>anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained.
>>
>>"We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and
>>dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of
>>teeth."
>>
>>The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two
>>sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
>>
>>Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes
>>for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and
>>one for dairy food.
>>
>>The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very
>>religious man with separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise
>>for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth
>>set?"
>>
>>"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe
when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last
week and we all got shit-faced."
The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the
exchange. Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad
says he will marry my mother next year."
Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a
response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never
EVER marry my mother!"
The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you
bastards please pass the salt?"
>> WOMEN'S ENGLISH
>>
>> Yes = No.
>> No = Yes.
>> Maybe = No.
>> We need = I want.
>> I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
>> We need to talk = I need to complain.
>> Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
>> Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
>> I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
>> Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
>> You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
>> Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
>> You're so ... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
>> Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
>> It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
>> You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
>> I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
>> on TV.
>> How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really
>> not going to like.
>>
>> MEN'S ENGLISH:
>> I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
>> I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
>> I'm tired = I'm tired.
>> Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
>> I love you = Let's have sex now.
>> I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
>> What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
>> May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>> Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>> Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>> Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>> Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
>> with other guys.
>> You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with
>> you within the next ten minutes.
>> Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
>> person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
>> I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
>>
>>
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and
told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) , which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was
no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
A little voice came out of the box:...........
"I> heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."
<< A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local
golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
<< The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold
wife's breast."
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro
says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your
husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. >>
<< Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally
beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade
especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own
beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and
desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now >necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering
past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one
wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the
century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a
month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,
the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim,
the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason:
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The
lawyer sued...and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure
them against fire, without defining what is considered to be
unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than
endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of
the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the
insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
>
>
> >
> > >
> > > An old man had a dog who died. He went to see his Rabbi and asked if
he
> > > would arrange to say Kaddish for the dog.
> > > The rabbi said, "Kaddish is only for humans, not for animals."
"However,
> > > there's a new Reform congregation down the street a block or two. You
go
> > > there and ask if they'll say Kaddish for the dog; they may just be
> > meshugena enough to do this for you."
> > > The old man thanked him, and said, "Do you suppose they'll also accept
> my
> > > $75,000 donation in memory of my little Moishe?"
> > > "Hold it!", shouted the rabbi, "You didn't tell me your dog was
> Jewish!".
> >Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
> step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.
> >Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
> bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of
> >soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway
> down the hall when
> >he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he
> stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
> >
> >The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun
> suddenly reaches out
> >and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
> >
> >"Oh look," says the first nun..."It's a soap dispenser." To test her
> theory the
> >second nun also pulls on his manhood ... sure enough he drops the
> other bar of soap. The
> >third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three
> times but nothing happens. So she gives one
> >last,despairing tug then yells....
> >"Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!"
The Statues
In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one
female and the other male -- both nude. These two
naked statues faced each other for many, many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the
statues and said,
"The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and
have brought enjoyment to many people that have
visited the park over the years. I am hereby
authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that
can be bestowed on you. I grant you the gift of life
-- albeit as a limited offer. You have 30 minutes to
do whatever your hearts desire."
And with that command, the two statues came to life.
They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs
about in wonderment, looked all around and then at
their own bodies and finally back at each other.
Still smiling they then ran to the nearby woods and
dove behind a large bush.
The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the
giggling, bushes rustling, groaning and twigs
snapping. Even angels know of such things!
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from
the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing
nothing but even bigger smiles than before.
Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to
them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you
like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do
you want to do it again?"
"OH, YES!", the female statue replied. "But this time
YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"
THE HOOKER
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a
conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a
lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I
own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's
worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show-places?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school and he visits
one of the classes (4th grade).They are in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if
he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word,
"tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next
door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over,
that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a Tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a
GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush
searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says, "If an American Air Force plane, carrying Mr. &
Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, by a
terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that
would be a tragedy?"
Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly would be no great loss.
The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson. We're on our final
descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?
Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and shag her all night."
Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's
bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gotta take a shit first!"
>
>>Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in
>>tears.
>>"Darling, what's the matter?"
>>"Oh Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have
>>tuberculosis."
>>"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis?
>>Ridiculous," said Abe, "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get
>>this sorted out right now."
>>So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you
>>told her she has tuberculosis."
>>The doctor said something to Abe and with that, Abe
>>began laughing.
>>"So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful
>>disease?" asked Esther.
>>"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say 'tuberculosis', he
>>said 'too big a tuchas'"
>
> A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle,
> the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their
> headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French
> general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't
> you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
>
> In his quiet English way, the major informed the general that the
> reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the
> blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
>
> And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear
> brown pants.
> In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the
> rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that
> she ought to get married again.
>
> But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town
> butcher. The poor rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been
> wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.
>
> However, she agreed and they were married.
>
> After the marriage Friday came. They went to the mikvah. Then home to
> prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said,
> "my mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the
> candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
>
> She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said "my father told me
> that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.
>
> They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke
> he said to her "my grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue
> it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
>
> After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in
> her ear,"My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So
> they did.
>
> On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked "Nu,
> so how is the new husband?"
>
> She replied, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."
> There are only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for
use:
>
> 10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
>
>
> 9. "Where did all those f___ing Indians come from!" - Custer, 1877
>
>
> 8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
>
>
> 7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
>
>
> 6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
>
>
> 5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
>
>
> 4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
>
>
> 3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
>
>
> 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1999
>
>
> And the # One time it is Ok to use the "f" word.......
>
>
> 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Osama bin Laden
>
> A young Newfoundlander moves to California and goes to a Big
> mega-department store looking for a job.
>
> The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,
> "Yeah,I was a salesman back home in Newfoundland."
>
> Well, the boss liked the Newfoundland kid so he gave him the job. "You
> can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you > did."
>
> His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
> store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make
> today?" the boss asked.
>
> The kid said, "One."
> The boss was surprised, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
> sales a day. How much was the sale for."
> The kid replied, $101,237.64."
> The boss was stunned. "$101,237.64? What did you sell?"
>
> The kid said, "It started with a small fish hook. Which became a
> medium fish hook. Then a larger fish hook, and a new fishing rod.
> Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
> coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
> the boat department and he picked out the twin engine Chris raft.
> Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
> took him down to the automotive department and he got a 4x4 Blazer."
> The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
> him a boat and truck?"
>
> The kid said, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
> wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well
> go fishing.'
>
>
<< An elderly man immigrating to Israel was
asked by a customs officer to open his
suitcases. Inside the first bag were bundles
of one dollar bills.
"How did you acquire this money?"
"You're not going to believe this but for years I've
traveled around the United States and
everywhere I went I visited men's public rest
rooms. Every time I found a man peeing I would
take out my knife and tell the peeing man, 'Give
me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles'."
"That's a very interesting story. And what's in
your other bag?"
"You wouldn't believe how many people don't
support Israel." >>
> Dear Abby:
>
> My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
> >beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is
> >everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he
> >lost his job two years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
> >All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV
> >while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to
> >college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a
> >lesbian. What should I do?
> >Signed, Clueless
> >
> Dear Clueless:
> >Dump him. You're a New York senator now.
> You don't need him anymore.
> :O)
The Coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer
quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching
CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan, in one corner of the background,
he spotted a young Afghanistan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw
a hand grenade straight into a 3rd-story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He
threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away,
ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye! "I've got to get this
guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football,
and the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl for another time in history. The
young Afghani is hailed as the Great Hero of football, and when Coach asks
him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone,"I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are
not my son."
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring
fans."
"No, let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week
your sister was raped in broad daylight"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I'll never forgive you for
making us move to Oakland."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... two men and
a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be
serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the
right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls
. After a few minutes, all as quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded
with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair
> There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath
> eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract, and is
>
> moving on to a larger congregation that will
> pay him more.
> >
> >There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
> >
> >Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the
> rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new
> sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to
> transport their children!"
> >
> >The congregation sighs, and applauds.
> >
> >Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi
> stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation
> to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
> >
> >More sighs and applause.
> >
> >Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give
>
> him SEX!!"
> >
> >There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever
> possessed you to say that?"
> >
> >Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he
> said, 'Screw the rabbi.'"
Subject: Jewish Malpractice Insurance
An older Jewish man who needed surgery insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he lay on the operating table about to receive the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember ... if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you!"
>Life isn't like a box of chocolates..............
>>it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
>>
>>What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
>>
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
<
;She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
;Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
;Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
;Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
;And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
"THE CONFESSION"
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
" Yiddish Pearls of Wisdom,"
Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on
a wine glass?
A: Because it's the last time he'll ever put his foot down.
---------------
Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave
you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"
-------------------
Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me is it
proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"
"No Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes"
answered the rabbi.
"Are you sure Rabbi?"
"Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi
"Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred
dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife.?"
---------------------
A German man comes to London and stays with Maurice Cohen and his
family.
The first morning they all have breakfast together and have bagels.
The German says "Wow we don't have bagels like this in Germany."
To which Maurice stands up and says "And whose fault is that?"
--------------------
Sam is shouting at his wife, Becky. "Oh no, not another new dress and
accessories. Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay
for it all?"
Becky replies, "I may be a lot of different things to many people, but I'm
certainly not inquisitive!"
---------------------
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe. .
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
------------------------------
Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the
hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes
fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
------------------------
Jack died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out
Jack's
Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1
million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter
Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff,
who
always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun
lamp."
---------------------------------
Bernie had a fight with his wife Rachel. He went to the movies to cool
off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the
situation was and maybe even apologize.
"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"
"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to
me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison, that's
what I'm making, poison."
Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home."
While still a young man, Ole was told he would live a long life by
adding a little gunpowder to his breakfast every morning. So for the rest of
his life he sprinkled a little gunpowder on his morning eggs or corn
flakes. The formula seems to have worked; Ole lived to be 106 years old.
At his death he left four children, 26 grandchildren, 58
great-grandchildren, 12 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole
in the wall of the
crematorium.
> >An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
> >the same day so they could travel together. After the examination,
> >the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good
> >health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"
> >
> >
> >
> >"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife,
> >the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have
> >sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything
> >appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would
> >like to discuss with me?"
> >
> >
> >
> >The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor
> >then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he
> >is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you
> >and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
> >
> >
> >
> >"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first
> >time is usually around July and the second time is usually in
> >December!
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes,
the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens
> several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are
> you trying to find out
> The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and
> we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house
> The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50
> dollars and I get $43 back from Medicare."
>
> The Welfare Office
>
> A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."
>
> The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
> cauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
>
> You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year!"
>
➢ The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"
> The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."
>
>>> > >
>>> > >Question 1:
>>> > >
>>> > >If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
>>> > >were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
> syphilis,
>>> > >would you recommend that she have an abortion?
>>> > >
>>> > >Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
>>> > >
>>> > >Question 2:
>>> > >
>>> > >It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
>>> > >
>>> > >Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
>>> > >
>>> > >Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
>>> > >astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8
> to
>>> > >10 martinis a day.
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > >Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
>>> > >opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
>>> > >smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > >Which of these candidates would be your choice?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > >Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
>>> > >
>>> > >Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
>>> > >
>>> > >Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
>>> > >
>>> > >And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said Yes,
> you
>>> > >just killed Beethoven.
>>> > >
>>> > > Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
> someone.
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > >Remember:
>>> > >Amateurs built the ark.
>>> > >Professionals built the Titanic
>>> > >
>>> > >Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
>>> > >employees and has the following statistics:
>>> > >
>>> > >29 have been accused of spousal abuse
>>> > >
>>> > >7 have been arrested for fraud
>>> > >
>>> > >19 have been accused of writing bad checks
>>> > >
>>> > >117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses.
>>> > >
>>> > >3 have done time for assault
>>> > >
>>> > >71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
>>> > >
>>> > >14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
>>> > >
>>> > >8 have been arrested for shoplifting
>>> > >
>>> > >21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
>>> > >
>>> > >84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
>>> > >
>>> > >Can you guess which organization this is
>>> > >
>>> > >Give up yet?
>>> > >
>>> > >It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of
>>> > >idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the
>>> > >rest of us in line.
>>> > >
>>> > >
> >The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican
> Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom. Governor
> Marc Racicot, RNC chairman, explained that the condom more clearly
> reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation,
> halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of
> pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually
> getting screwed.
A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful, nude girl lying on the bed.
She says, "Hi, Rabbi... I'm a little something extra that the president of the board paid for!"
The rabbi is incensed! He picks up the phone, calls the board president and says, "Greenberg, where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you.
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you,
she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing,
she will wash it for you."
"She will always agree with every decision you make
and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit,
she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!"
"She will bear your children,"
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night,
to take care of them."
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a
smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled
out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued
smoking.
Miriam: What's that?
Agnes: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Miriam: Where did you get it?
Agnes: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Miriam hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely after all, (she is over 90 years of age) but very delicately
asks, "What brand do you prefer?"
"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted
.
> CHINESE SICK LEAVE
>
>
> Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work
> today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I
> not
> come work."
>
> The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When
> I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes
> everything better and I go work. You try that."
>
> Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say
> and I feel great. I be at work soon.
➢ You got nice house."
> Catholic Heart Attack...
>
> A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass
> surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of
> nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
>
> As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was
> going to pay for his treatment.
>
> She asked if he had health insurance.
> He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
>
> The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
>
> He replied, "No money in the bank."
>
> The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I
> only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
>
> The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
>
> The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
>
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron..
He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked
glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to
have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens
become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
>courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
>
>Their life together was, of course, perfect.
>
>One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
>perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
>the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
>
>There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
>disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
>Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
>delivering the
>toys.
>
>Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple;
>and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
>
>Question: Who was the survivor?
>
>
>Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
>in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is
>no
>such thing as a perfect man.
>
>**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
>scrolling.
>
>So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
>been
>driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
>
>Men Keep scrolling
>
>
>By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates
>another point: Women never listen.
-
Subject: Rodney Dangerfield Woes
1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I1d have nothing to play
with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I
went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said
to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home
early".
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on & a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off. I1m afraid to go to
the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster & radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me.. She told me
that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly.... My father carries around a picture of the kid who came
with his wallet..
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said to my
father, "I1m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly... my mother had morning sickness.... AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't
know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how big I'd
get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up & I look in
the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said... "I
don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I1d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in
the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
pyramid. His favourite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3
of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy- for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the
electric chair.
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife, Sue, were told by the moderator that "it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Sue's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it honey?"
And thus began Wally's life of celibacy
< Subject: Talmudic psychotherapy
Q: Is it permissible to take Viagra on the Sabbath?
A: There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can take Viagra on the Sabbath.
Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on the Sabbath lest one violate the law that forbids erecting a structure (boneh) on the Sabbath.
However, Beit Hillel does not read it as "boneh" but as "boner", and permits the ingestion of Viagra on the Sabbath.
The ingestion of Viagra (known as "Yeshurun" or the straight one) is permitted before sundown as long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than a half hour to complete, the kids are asleep and your wife doesn't have a headache.
Q: What brucha does one say before taking Viagra?
A: There is a choice of four blessings:
1) Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the f ruit of the tree.
2) Boruch Atah Hashem zokeif k'fuffim - Staighten those who are bent.
3) Boruch Atah Hashem ya'aleh v'yovo - arise and come.
4) Boruch Atah Hashem Mechayei hameitim - raise the dead
The Bar
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
Having already had a few power pops, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime,anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it."
He says, "No kidding,
I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
Jewish Mother's Answering Machine:
If you want chicken soup, press 1;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 2;
If you want varnishkas, dial 3;
If you want knishes press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong
number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
***********************
Last Wishes
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered all over the shopping mall.
"Why the shopping mall?" asked the rabbi.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
************************
No Pressure!
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way... If anything happens to
me, your mother is coming to live with you."
*************************
Mrs. Goldberg
Mrs. Goldberg, age 75, went to see a gynecologist for the first time in her life.
She was asked to step behind a screen and remove her clothes so
the doctor could examine her.
At some point during the examination, Mrs. Goldberg said, "Excuse me, doctor, can I ask
you a question?" "Certainly," the doctor replied.
"Tell me," she said. "Your mother knows that from this you make a living?"
**********************
PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite
impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent
auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" > "No," replied the guide.
"It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer." "Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.
*****************
Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women
use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his
long-held contention that women in general, and his wife in particular,
talked too much, he showed her the study results, which stated:
"Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."
His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband,
"That's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"
OFFICIAL MALE SENSITIVITY TEST
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating The Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to
make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
>A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the
>trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
>
>Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked
>the lawyer.
>
>
>Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
>loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
>
>I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just
>answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
>accident, 'I'm fine!'?
>
>Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
>was driving down the road...."
>
>The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
>establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
>told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
>Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
>I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
>
>By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
>said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
>favorite mule, Bessie"
>
>Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I
>had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and
>was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
>trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
>I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
>I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
>could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
>shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
>Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
>so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun
>and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road,
>gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
>"Now what would you say?"
> An old Jewish man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
> potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only
> son Saul, who used to help him, was in prison for Insider Trading and
> Stock Fraud.
>The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
>
>Dear Solly: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
>to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
>digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be
>over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
>
>Love, Papa
>
>A few days later the old man received a letter from his son.
>
>Dear Papa, For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I
>buried the money & stocks.
>
>Love, Solly.
>
>At 4 am the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived
>at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding
>any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left.
>
>That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
>
>Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do
>under the circumstances.
>Love, your son Solly.
>
>
>
----------------------- Headers --------------------------------
On the day of their 50th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks.
He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds,
"Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out".
She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a
mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor
my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When
I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on
his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond
!!!!
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was
climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual,
"I have a headache". "Perfect," her husband said. " I
was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with
aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,
it's up to you!!!
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has
just passed away. At the end of the service the pall
bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan and open the casket to discover
that the woman is still alive. She lived for ten more
years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again
held at the same place, and at the end of the
ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the fucking wall!""
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and
G.I.Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment
and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl, "She comes with G.I.
Joe.......she fakes it with Ken."
>>A Jewish man buys a Lamborghini. However, after buying it, he feels a
>>bit guilty, so he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town
>>and asks for a Mezuza for the Lamborghini.
>>
>>"You want a Mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
>>
>>"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
>>
>>"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
>>
>>"A car, an Italian sports car."
>>
>>"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a Mezuzah for a
>>sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"
>>
>>Well, the man is disappointed, but he waits a few days and finally goes
>>to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a Mezuzah.
>>
>>"You want a Mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
>>
>>"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
>>
>>"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
>>
>>"A car, an Italian sports car."
>>
>>"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a Mezuzah for a
>>sports car? Go to the Reform!"
>>
>>Again the man feels guilty and disappointed, but finally he breaks down
>>and goes to the Reform Rabbi.
>>
>>"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a Mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
>>
>>"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
>>
>>"You know what it is?" says the man.
>>
>>"Of course, it's a fantastic Italian sports
>>car........................... What's a Mezuzah?"
>HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 24 LANGUAGES
>
> English I Love You
>
>Spanish Te Amo
>
> French Je T'aim
>
> German lch Liebe Dich
>
> Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
>
> Italian Ti Amo
>
> Chinese Wo Ai Nin
>
> Swedish Jag Alskar
>
> Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina,
>Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia,
>Florida and Kentucky...
>
> Nice ass. Get in the truck.
<<
Three black ladies were getting ready
to take a plane across the ocean.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all,
but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties before I gets on that plane."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down
and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me
Some fluorescent orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.
The second lady answered:
Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and
I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties..."
"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
Dat's right; you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties,"
the third lady said, cause if dis plane goes down,
dey always look for dat black box first."
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find
>themselves assigned to
>the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.
>
>Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
>a room, the two are
>tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk
>and she in the lower.
>At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the
>woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm
>sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
>into the closet to
>get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
>
>"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for
>tonight, let's pretend that
>we're married."
>
>"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
>
>"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."
>
>
>A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became
>confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady
>playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and
>asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
>"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you
>must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the
>back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the
>same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you
>must be on the 13th hole."
>Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round
>and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of
>the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said
>that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
>He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
>your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales
>also. What do you sell?"
>"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
>"No, I won't."
>"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he
>laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool. "See," she said. "I knew
>you'd laugh!"
>"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
>Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
>The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking,
>well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam
>purred. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of
>our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...?" "No, I must see
>Natalie," the man insisted. Just then Natalie appeared and announced to
>the man that she charges $1000.00 per visit. Without blinking, the man
>reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to
>a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
>
>The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie
>explained that is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a
>row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1000.00 a visit.
>Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour
>later, he left.
>
>When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
>Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
>
>At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used
>my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
>
>The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
>
>Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
>
>"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died and I'm your sister's
>attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000.00 inheritance."
>
>MORAL: Some things in life are certain:
>
>Death
>
>Taxes
>
>Being screwed by an attorney
Subject: FYI!! Darwin Awards
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him. As he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
(Apologies in advance for the winning nominee at no.1)
And the nominees this year are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately
6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to the family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was notbreathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital. The police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis's between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27 year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground."
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "ba!!s" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one tesst!cle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housin g of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
Marketing in America
>
>
> The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people
> often
> ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
>
>
> You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
> and
> say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
>
> That's Direct Marketing.
>
>
>
> You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One
> of your
> friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in
> bed,"
>
> That's Advertising.
>
>
>
> You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
>
> telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
> bed,"
>
> That's Telemarketing.
>
>
>
> You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to
> him and
> pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie,
> brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the
> way, I'm
> fantastic in bed."
>
> That's Public Relations.
>
>
>
> You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
> I hear
> you're fantastic in bed,"
>
> That's Brand Recognition.
>
>
>
> You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
> him
> into going home with your friend.
>
> That's a Sales Rep.
>
>
>
> Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
>
>
>
> That's Tech Support.
>
>
>
>
> You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
> handsome
> men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of
> one
> situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
> fantastic in
> bed!" ...
>
> That's Junk Mail.
>
>
>
> You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes
>
> your breast and grabs your ass . . . and you liked it.
>
>
> That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!
>
>
>
> 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.
>
>
> THAT'S AMERICA!!
>
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half
an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive
suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with
the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach
villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a
couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory
and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest
I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll fuck her again!"
Lady Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots..
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way
around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So
he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is
fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with
her . He's naked as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so
just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend
impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA
Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, & Texan jokes... You
know you're in California when......
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown
and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and
sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH 2004."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks
himself is teaching the 4:00 p.m. Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
22. Hey! There is so much around, Pot is Legal. Right?
23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
24. The Terminator is your new governor.
25. You read this and say, "so what".....
>
> 1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
> stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per
>passenger."
>
> 2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental
> purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.
>
> 3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took off to Hollywood
> and
> became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to
> much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
>
> 4. 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank
> the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it
>too.
>
> 5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and
> announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
>
> 6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused
> to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
>
> 7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the
> lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess
> tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and
> asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
> foyer.
>
> 8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian
> family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is
> named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of
> himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she
> also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins
> for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!"
>
> 9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry
> payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their
> business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was
> suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he
> asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused.
> The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they
> refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest
> thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their
> flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be
> back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their
> rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
>
> 10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which
> created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
> little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from
> very bad breath. This made him ....a super-callused fragile mystic hexed
>by
> halitosis.
_____________________________________
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go
> before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
> Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must
> decide which of them gets in.
>
> The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should
> go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at
> these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure
> it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
>
> The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The
> Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of
> her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, "OK,
> your Majesty, you may go in."
>
> Dolly is outraged..."What was that all about? I show you two of God's
> own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of
> hygiene and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"
>
> "Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush
> beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
Matt was having an affair during the day while his partner Ted was at
work. One day, he was in bed with his boyfriend Ralph, when he heard
Ted's car pull in the driveway.
Matt yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the
window, Ted's home early!"
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window!
It's raining like hell out there."
Matt cried, "If Ted catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed
outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he
started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude,
carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having
the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on
your arm?"
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the
end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
>
> One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super
hero
> friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
>
>
> "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
>
>
> "Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in
> Comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.
>
>
> "I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really
> want
to
> take advantage of her."
>
>
> "Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove
> off.
>
>
> Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the
Green
> Lantern patching up a building.
>
>
> He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a
swinging
> bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?"
>
>
> "Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the
best
> lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?"
>
>
> "Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize
> she
had
> gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
>
>
> Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw
> Wonder
> Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and
> up
in the
> air.
>
>
> Superman was tempted.
>
>
> He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be
> in
and
> out of there before she even knows I'm here."
>
>
> So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
>
>
> Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression.
>
>
> "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.
>
>
> "I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass
> is
> killing me."
>
Passover Research
A group of leading medical researchers has published data indicating that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It seems that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is..."Let My People Go."
Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing chai's which are too heavy. This condition is called chaiatal hernia!"
If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry? A bris kit!
JEWISH JEOPARDY: We give the answer, you give the question
A: Midrash
Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?
A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?
A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What are a cheder, a seder, and a tater?
A: Sofer
Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?
A: Babylon
Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?
A: Filet Minyan
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision
Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?
> > >Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate
on.
> > >
> > >The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
> > >table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
> > >
> > >The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything
> > >inside them is color coded."
> > >
> > >The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
> > >everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
> > >
> > >The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers.
> > >Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at
> > >the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
> > >
> > >But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
> > >wrong. Republicans are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts,
no
> > >heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are
> > >interchangeable.
>
>
>CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother
>won't let her.
>As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
>appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to
>go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a
>diaphragm."
>Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
>"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm
>will turn into a pumpkin."
>Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour
>comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m.
>Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
>"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your
>diaphragm was supposed to turn into a
>pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
>" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
>He took care of everything."
>The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no
>prince with that kind of power!
>Tell me his name!"
>Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ..
>Peter, Peter, something or other..."
>___________________________________________
>
>PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
>about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to
>visit
>Gepetto to see if he could help.
>Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated
>and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
>A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
>through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
>Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
>_____________________________________________
>
>LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when
>suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a
>sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
>To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic
>basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No,
>you're not.
>You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
>____________________________________________
>
>MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the
>judge said to Mickey,
>"You say here that your wife is crazy."
>Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's
>fucking Goofy."
A plane passes through a severe storm during a transatlantic flight,
and
> > things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman panics, stands up in the front of the plane screaming,
"I'm too young to die! If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth
to count!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN before
I go?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.
Then an Eastern Kentucky man slowly rises in the rear of the plane.
He is tall, thin, gorgeous, hard-muscled. He starts to walk slowly up
the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt..............one button at a time.
..................................No one moves.............He removes
his shirt,
revealing rippling muscles..........She gasps...............He hands
the shirt to her,
remarking: ..................."Iron this, and bring me a beer....."
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 famous passengers on board
but only four parachutes left.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player.
The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die ... "So he took the first pack and
left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former
president of the United States. I am also the most ambitious woman in the
world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She
just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "Out of my way. I'm President
of the United States of America, the greatest and cleverest President in
American history. I'm even greater than my Daddy. I have to lead the
world's greatest superpower nation in and out of war. America can't afford
for me to die." So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out
of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, turned to the fifth passenger, a
Lubavitcher Rebbe, and said, "I am old and frail so I don't have many
years left. As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the
last parachute."
The Rebbe turned to him and said, "Thank you, but it's really OK. There are
enough parachutes for both of us. America's greatest and cleverest President
has just taken my Tallis."
The New Boots
>>>>>>
>>>>>> An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a
>> pair
>>>>>> of
>>>>>> authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them,
>>> wears
>>>>>> them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and
>>>>>> says
>> to
>>>>>> his
>>>>>> wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice
>>> anything
>>>>>> different about me?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Bessie looks again, "Nope."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
>> back
>>>>>> into
>>>>>> the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks,
>> little
>>>>>> louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging
>>>>>> down
>>>>>> today,
>>>>>> it was hanging down yesterday, and the damn thing will be hanging
>> down
>>>>>> again
>>>>>> tomorrow."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Furious, Sam Yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SON OF A BITCH IS
>> HANGING
>>>>>> DOWN,
>>>>>> BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
>>>>>> BOOTS!!!!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam... Shoulda
> bought
>> a
>>>>>> hat."
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish .. each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking....................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoying
New-Age..............Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.............................No BJs
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Professional....................................Bitch
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
>
>A couple attending an art exhibition at the National
>Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them
>completely confused. The painting depicted three very
>black, totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of
>the figures had black penises, but the one in the
>middle had a pink penis.
>
>The curator of the gallery realized that they were
>having trouble interpreting the painting and offered
>his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour
>explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
>African-Americans in a predominantly, white patriarchal society. "In
>fact," he pointed out, "some serious art critics believe that the pink
>penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
>experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
>
>After the curator left, an Irishman approached the
>couple and said, "Would you like to know what the
>painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to
>be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?"
>asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted
>it," he replied. "In fact, there are no
>African-Americans
>depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners.
>the guy in the middle went home for lunch.
Two women decided to go out one evening, without their husbands. Laughing the entire evening away and finding that they had consumed entirely too much wine, they decided to head on home.
They were about half wayhome when both ladies decided that they needed to find a bathroom quick. They noticed the only place they could see to stop was a cemetary. A little bit scared and alot tipsy, they decided to go for it...they couldn't possibly wait.
Stumbling off the road into the cemetery they soon discovered that they had no toilet paper or tissue, they decided to make do. The first one decided touse her panties and then disgard them. The second had on brand new panties and didn't want to sacrafice them, so she grabbed a big ribbon from a floral wreath on the gravestone next to her.
The next morning, their two husbands were talking on the phone to each other: "you know, we'll have to keep a closer watch on our wives...it seems those two were up to no good last night. My wife came home in the wee hours of the morning without her panties..."
The other husband responded: "Well, you're lucky: mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you...The Carboni Brothers".
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US
First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money
can buy." Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay
good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
Jewish Divorce
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish
couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete,
the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for a Get ."
The judge inquires what she means by a Get .
So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony required under the
Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris ?"
She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire
schmuck."
For all those men who say,
>"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
>
>Here's an update for you.....
>Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
>
>Why?
>
>Because women finally realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig,....
>Just to get a little sausage.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he
was looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the
correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your
wife?"
"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some
rolling paper. So, I figure,... if I have to roll my own, so does she!"
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniel's and women with big tits".
http://www.robertschimmel.com/gfather.asp
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/
www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/prettycreatures.html
About Poll
What's your favorite Bushism?
'Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.'
'I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.'
'They misunderestimated me.'
'Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?'
Submit VoteCurrent Results
"Give me a chance to be your president and America will be safer and stronger and better." —Still-President George W. Bush, Marquette, Michigan, July 13, 2004
"And I am an optimistic person. I guess if you want to try to find something to be pessimistic about, you can find it, no matter how hard you look, you know?" —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 15, 2004
"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. You're doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That's where you started practicing? That's good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me." —George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004
"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004
"Like you, I have been disgraced about what I've seen on TV that took place in prison." —George W. Bush, Parkersburg, West Virginia, May 13, 2004
"My job is to, like, think beyond the immediate." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 21, 2004
"This has been tough weeks in that country." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2004
"Coalition forces have encountered serious violence in some areas of Iraq. Our military commanders report that this violence is being insticated by three groups." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2004
"Obviously, I pray every day there's less casualty." —George W. Bush, Fort Hood, Texas, April 11, 2004
"Earlier today, the Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi. She's a local government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy." —George W. Bush, citing Jahmi, who is a man, in a speech paying tribute to women reformers during International Women's Week, Washington, D.C., March 12, 2004
"The march to war hurt the economy. Laura reminded me a while ago that remember what was on the TV screens — she calls me, 'George W.' — 'George W.' I call her, 'First Lady.' No, anyway — she said, we said, march to war on our TV screen." —George W. Bush, Bay Shore, New York, Mar. 11, 2004
"God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear." —George W. Bush, Los Angeles, Calif., March 3, 2004
"Recession means that people's incomes, at the employer level, are going down, basically, relative to costs, people are getting laid off." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 19, 2004
"The march to war affected the people's confidence. It's hard to make investment. See, if you're a small business owner or a large business owner and you're thinking about investing, you've got to be optimistic when you invest. Except when you're marching to war, it's not a very optimistic thought, is it? In other words, it's the opposite of optimistic when you're thinking you're going to war." —George W. Bush, Springfield, Mo., Feb. 9, 2004
"But the true strength of America is found in the hearts and souls of people like Travis, people who are willing to love their neighbor, just like they would like to love themselves." —George W. Bush, Springfield, Mo., Feb. 9, 2004
"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences." —George W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004
"There is no such thing necessarily in a dictatorial regime of iron-clad absolutely solid evidence. The evidence I had was the best possible evidence that he had a weapon." —George W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004
"The recession started upon my arrival. It could have been — some say February, some say March, some speculate maybe earlier it started — but nevertheless, it happened as we showed up here. The attacks on our country affected our economy. Corporate scandals affected the confidence of people and therefore affected the economy. My decision on Iraq, this kind of march to war, affected the economy." —George W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004
"My views are one that speaks to freedom." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004
"See, one of the interesting things in the Oval Office — I love to bring people into the Oval Office — right around the corner from here — and say, this is where I office, but I want you to know the office is always bigger than the person." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004
"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than — I say more Muslims — a lot of Muslims have died — I don't know the exact count — at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004
"Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004
"Just remember it's the birds that's supposed to suffer, not the hunter." —George W. Bush, advising quail hunter and New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici, Roswell, N.M., Jan. 22, 2004
"I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spacial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. Jan. 14, 2004
"I was a prisoner too, but for bad reasons." —George W. Bush, to Argentine President Nestor Kirchner, on being told that all but one of the Argentine delegates to a summit meeting were imprisoned during the military dictatorship, Monterrey, Mexico, Jan. 13, 2004
"One of the most meaningful things that's happened to me since I've been the governor — the president — governor — president. Oops. Ex-governor. I went to Bethesda Naval Hospital to give a fellow a Purple Heart, and at the same moment I watched him—get a Purple Heart for action in Iraq — and at that same — right after I gave him the Purple Heart, he was sworn in as a citizen of the United States — a Mexican citizen, now a United States citizen." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 9, 2004
"And if you're interested in the quality of education and you're paying attention to what you hear at Laclede, why don't you volunteer? Why don't you mentor a child how to read?" —George W. Bush, St. Louis, Mo., Jan. 5, 2004
"So thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a great volunteer as well." —George W. Bush, St. Louis, Mos., Jan. 5, 2004
"I want to remind you all that in order to fight and win the war, it requires an expenditure of money that is commiserate with keeping a promise to our troops to make sure that they're well-paid, well-trained, well-equipped." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003
"See, without the tax relief package, there would have been a deficit, but there wouldn't have been the commiserate — not 'commiserate' — the kick to our economy that occurred as a result of the tax relief." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003
"[T]he Iraqis need to be very much involved. They were the people that was brutalized by this man." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003
"[T]he best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003
"Justice was being delivered to a man who defied that gift from the Almighty to the people of Iraq." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003
"This very week in 1989, there were protests in East Berlin and in Leipzig. By the end of that year, every communist dictatorship in Central America had collapsed." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 6, 2003
"[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 28, 2003
"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the — the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003
"[W]hether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the universal call to love a neighbor just like they'd like to be called themselves." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., October 8, 2003
"See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." —George W. Bush, Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003
"Washington is a town where there's all kinds of allegations. You've heard much of the allegations. And if people have got solid information, please come forward with it. And that would be people inside the information who are the so-called anonymous sources, or people outside the information — outside the administration." —George W. Bush, Chicago, Sept. 30, 2003
"[W]e've had leaks out of the administrative branch, had leaks out of the legislative branch, and out of the executive branch and the legislative branch, and I've spoken out consistently against them, and I want to know who the leakers are." —George W. Bush, Chicago, Sept. 30, 2003
Got a Bushism?
Email it to politicalhumor.guide@about.com
"I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003
"I'm so pleased to be able to say hello to Bill Scranton. He's one of the great Pennsylvania political families." —George W. Bush, Drexel Hill, Penn., Sept. 15, 2003
"We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mom or a dad." —George W. Bush, Jacksonville, Florida, Sept. 9, 2003
"As Luce reminded me, he said, without data, without facts, without information, the discussions about public education mean that a person is just another opinion." —George W. Bush, Jacksonville, Florida, Sept. 9, 2003
"I'm a follower of American politics." —George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 8, 2003
"[T]hat's just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric." —George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 8, 2003
"We had a good Cabinet meeting, talked about a lot of issues. Secretary of State and Defense brought us up to date about our desires to spread freedom and peace around the world." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 1, 2003
"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 25, 2003
"Our country puts $1 billion a year up to help feed the hungry. And we're by far the most generous nation in the world when it comes to that, and I'm proud to report that. This isn't a contest of who's the most generous. I'm just telling you as an aside. We're generous. We shouldn't be bragging about it. But we are. We're very generous." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 16, 2003
"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America." —George W. Bush, Dakar, Senegal, July 8, 2003
"My answer is bring them on."—On Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces, George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003
"You've also got to measure in order to begin to effect change that's just more — when there's more than talk, there's just actual — a paradigm shift." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 1, 2003
"I urge the leaders in Europe and around the world to take swift, decisive action against terror groups such as Hamas, to cut off their funding, and to support — cut funding and support, as the United States has done." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 25, 2003
"Iran would be dangerous if they have a nuclear weapon." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 18, 2003
"Now, there are some who would like to rewrite history—revisionist historians is what I like to call them." —George W. Bush, Elizabeth, N.J., June 16, 2003
"I am determined to keep the process on the road to peace." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 10, 2003
"The true strength of America happens when a neighbor loves a neighbor just like they'd like to be loved themselves." —George W. Bush, Elizabeth, N.J., June 16, 2003
"We are making steadfast progress." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 9, 2003
"I'm the master of low expectations." —George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
"I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." —George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003
"Oftentimes, we live in a processed world — you know, people focus on the process and not results." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003
"I've got very good relations with President Mubarak and Crown Prince Abdallah and the King of Jordan, Gulf Coast countries." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003
"All up and down the different aspects of our society, we had meaningful discussions. Not only in the Cabinet Room, but prior to this and after this day, our secretaries, respective secretaries, will continue to interact to create the conditions necessary for prosperity to reign." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003
"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003
"We've had a great weekend here in the Land of the Enchanted." —George W. Bush, Albuquerque, N.M., May 12, 2003 (New Mexico's state nickname is "Land of Enchantment")
"I think war is a dangerous place." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 7, 2003
"We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure." —George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, May 3, 2003
"We've got hundreds of sites to exploit, looking for the chemical and biological weapons that we know Saddam Hussein had prior to our entrance into Iraq." —George W. Bush, Santa Clara, Calif., May 2, 2003
"I don't bring God into my life to — to, you know, kind of be a political person." —George W. Bush, interview with Tom Brokaw aboard Air Force One, April 24, 2003
"You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it'll take time to restore chaos and order — order out of chaos. But we will." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2003
"Perhaps one way will be, if we use military force, in the post-Saddam Iraq the U.N. will definitely need to have a role. And that way it can begin to get its legs, legs of responsibility back." —George W. Bush, the Azores, Portugal, March 16, 2003
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on Bushspeak?
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Quiz
"Now, we talked to Joan Hanover. She and her husband, George, were visiting with us. They are near retirement — retiring — in the process of retiring, meaning they're very smart, active, capable people who are retirement age and are retiring." —George W. Bush, Alexandria, Va., Feb. 12, 2003
"[The Space Shuttle] Columbia carried in its payroll classroom experiments from some of our students in America." —George W. Bush, Bethesda, Md., Feb. 3, 2003
"And, most importantly, Alma Powell, secretary of Colin Powell, is with us." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 30, 2003
"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." —George W. Bush, Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003
"When Iraq is liberated, you will be treated, tried and persecuted as a war criminal." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 22, 2003
"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 8, 2003
RESUME
George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days.
My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for US Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went
bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including
Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in US history to enter office with a criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
I spent the US surplus and effectively bankrupted the US Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in US history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the US stock market.
In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs
and that trend continues every month.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoles Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips by a US President.
I am the all-time US and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in US history, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to
assure my success with the US Supreme Court during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.
More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than
has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in US history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history.
I changed the US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in US history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in US history.
I am the first President in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the US from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspector's access to US "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in US history.
I garnered the most sympathy for the US after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the US the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in US history to order an unprovoked preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of US citizens, and the world community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%)
view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden [sic] to justice.
RECORDS AND PREFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my
father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt
companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-president, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
George Bush was getting off Air Force One and he Marine guard noticed that he was carring two little piglets.
"Nice piglets, Mr. President"
"Thanks. These are special pedigree, Texas short hair miniature pigs. They're very rare. I got one for Vice President Cheney and one for Donald Rumsfield."
The Marine saluted and said "Nice trade Mr. President."
http://www.jibjab.com/thisland.html
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
>in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he
>
>starts going through his usual blonde jokes when a blonde woman in
>
>the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting "I've heard
>
>enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
>
>stereotype women that way?
>
>What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
>
>human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being
>respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full
>potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate
>discrimination against not
>
>only blondes, but women in general.....and all in the name of humor!"
>
>
>
>The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
>
>yells "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit
>
>on your knee."
>
>
> THE SAGA OF SAM AND EDITH
>
> Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty
> years.
>
> Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
> watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very
> good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods
> and exercise for the last decade.
>
> One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a
> rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
>
> They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to
> show them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in
> gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in
> the
> master bath. And their favourite clothes hanging in the closet.
> They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven.
> This will be your home now."
>
> Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their
> companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
>
> Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a Championship golf
> course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
>
> "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
>
> "This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free,
> everyday."
>
> Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
> every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks
> to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
>
> "Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam.
> "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
>
> The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith.
> "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the
> decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
>
> "That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and
> drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never
> get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
>
> Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
> "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
> "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
> "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
>
> Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins.
> We could have been here 15 years ago!"
>
> Schmuel Moskovitz is talking to a friend of his, bemoaning the fact that
he
> couldn't join the Grosse Point Tennis Club.
>
> "I don't understant it," he said, "I told them my name is Schmuel
Moskovitz
> and dat I vanted to join their club."
>
> "Sammy," his friend says, "The club's restricted. They won't let Jews
> join."
>
> But Sammy really wants to join. So he takes speech lessons, learns about
> boats, even tries to eat corned beef on white bread with lettuce and
> mayonnaise.
>
> One year later, he appears at the same door wearing a three-piece
> conservative suit with a copy of the Wall Street Journal tucked under his
> arm.
>
> The official at the reception desk says, "May I help you, sir?" Yes,"
Sammy
> replies in a clipped New England accent, "I am here to inquire about
> membership in your esteemed establishment."
>
> "What is your name?" asks the man.
>
> Sammy replies, "My name is Winthrop van Horton the Third."
>
> "And where do you live?" he asks. "Why, Connecticut of course," replies
> Sammy.
>
> "What is your income?" is the next question.
>
> "My wealth is something I never discuss with strangers," replies Sammy,
> "but I don't mind telling you that I own skyscrapers in Manhattan, and
> several factories in northern New Jersey."
>
> "Just one more question before you become a member, 'What is your
religious
> affiliation?'"
>
> Sammy's chest swells with pride as he says,
>
> "I am a Goy"
Once upon a time, there was a presidential election that was too close
to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the
Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest
between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was
much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a
week-long ice fishing competition seemed the best way to settle things.
The candidate to catch the most fish at the end of the week would be
declared the winner.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the
contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There
were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out
separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for
counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, John Kerry returned to the starting line.
He had 10 fish.
Soon, George Bush returned and had zero fish. Well, everyone assumed he
was just having a bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up
the next day.
At the end of the second day Kerry came in with 20 fish and George Bush
came in again with none.
That evening, Rush Limbaugh got together secretly with George Bush and
said, "I think Kerry is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to
go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing!
Just spy on him and see if he's cheating in any way.
The next night (after Kerry came back with 50 fish), Limbaugh said to
Bush, "Well, what about it, is Kerry cheatin?'"
"He sure is!", Bush cried, "He's cutting holes in the ice!"
Two little old ladies had been very long-time close friends. But being
old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective
religion.
It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen,
so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old
friend.
When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.
Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it
here?"
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and
the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the
best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge
of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and
then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs.
Cohen."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that
she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I
let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we screw!
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 famous passengers on board
but only four parachutes left.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player.
The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die ... "So he took the first pack and
left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former
president of the United States. I am also the most ambitious woman in the
world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She
just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "Out of my way. I'm President
of the United States of America, the greatest and cleverest President in
American history. I'm even greater than my Daddy. I have to lead the
world's greatest superpower nation in and out of war. America can't afford
for me to die." So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out
of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, turned to the fifth passenger, a
Lubavitcher Rebbe, and said, "I am old and frail so I don't have many
years left. As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the
last parachute."
The Rebbe turned to him and said, "Thank you, but it's really OK. There are
enough parachutes for both of us. America's greatest and cleverest President
has just taken my Tallis."
A man is driving down a highway in Arizona when a beautiful woman appears out of nowhere right in front of him...completely nude... and with green skin.
Stunned, he starts to speak to her. "Excuse me, but you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that?"
"Oh," says the woman, "I'm from Andromeda, in what you call outer space."
"Andromeda?" says the man, "Wow! Do all the women on Andromeda have green skin like yours?"
"Yes," replies the woman, "everyone is green on Andromeda."
The man continues to stare and speak. "Excuse me for asking, but I can't help but noticing that you have
12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedans have 12 toes on each foot?
"Yes, they do," replies the woman.
"And forgive me for saying this, but it's hard not to notice," the man continues, "but you have three breasts. Do all Andromedan women have three breasts? "
"Yes," replies the woman, "Actually, everyone on Andromeda has three breasts."
"Please, may I ask you one more question?"
The woman nods.
"I also can't help noticing that on each of your hands you have seven fingers and on each finger is a very large diamond. Here on Earth diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all Andromedan women have diamonds on seven fingers of both hands?"
"Well," the woman answers, "not the Shiksas."
Subject: Seniors Exercise
I just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift
a100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET A BLONDE GENIE?
> > A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
> partially
> > buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two
blonde
> > genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The
> guy
> > makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
> > The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion
surrounded
> > by
> > 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
> the
> > house.
> >
> > Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the
> > floor
> > is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He
> > answers
> > it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
> >
> > They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb
and
> > hang
> > him by the neck until he's dead.
> >
> > As the Klansman are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the
two
> > blonde genies.
> > One blonde genie says to the other one," ! I can understand the first
> wish
> > having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I
can
> > also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. .. . but why he
wanted
> to
> > be hung like a black man is beyond me."
>> Subject: Heavy Religious Stuff
>>
>> Is Viagra Kosher for Passover?
>>
>> New York.. It made headlines in Israel when Clalit Health Services
>> list of kosher-for-Passover medications, which is the standard
>> authority for the various rabbinical authorities in Israel, listed
>> Pfizer's Viagra (drug against male impotence) as containing chametz
>> and thus not Kosher for Passover. Rabbi Menachem Rosenberg, the
>> rabbi of Clalit Health Services, confirmed in the Jerusalem Post
>> that Viagra (sildenafil citrate) indeed is not kosher for Passover.
>> "The coating apparently has a leavened substance," he explained.
>> However, in New York, Rabbi Avrom Blumenkrantz, who publishes the
>> authoritative list of acceptable drugs for Passover for American
>> Jews, listed Pfizer's Viagra as Kosher for Passover.
>>
>> ASK THE RABBI
>> by Rabbi Yossi Howidozit
>>
>> Q: Is it permissible to take Viagra on the Sabbath?
>>
>> A: There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can
>> take Viagra on the Sabbath. Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of
>> Viagra on the Sabbath lest one violate the law that forbids
>> erecting a structure (boneh) on the Sabbath.
>>
>> However, Beit Hillel does not read it as "boneh" but as "boner" and
>> permits the ingestion of Viagra on the Sabbath. The ingestion of
>> Viagra (known as "Yeshurun" or the straight one) is permitted
>> before sundown as long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than a
>> half hour to complete, the kids are asleep and your wife doesn't
>> have a headache.
>>
>> Q: What bracha does one say before taking Viagra?
>>
>> A: There is a choice of four blessings:
>>
>> 1) Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree.
>>
>> 2) Boruch Atah Hashem zokeif k'fuffim - Straighten those who are
>> bent.
>>
>> 3) Boruch Atah Hashem ya'aleh v'yovo - arise and come.
>>
>> 4) Boruch Atah Hashem Mechayei hameitim - raise the dead.
> Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
> Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
> traffic light.
> Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps
> onto the hood of the car and hisses through the
> windshield.
> "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall
> we do?"
> "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of
> the abomination," says Sister Helen.
> Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula
> about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the
> nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
>
> "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with
> Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister
> Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula
> screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on
> and continues hissing at the nuns.
> "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?
> "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
>
> "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and
> shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and
the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him
why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question
to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When
you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I
have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about
that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be
Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am
single and I'm Catholic too!"
OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss
that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on
my way to a Halloween party!
Trick or Treat!
>
> A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The
> Passion, and is inspired to take his family to
> Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and
> died.
>
> While on vacation his nagging wife dies. An
> undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can
> ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of
> $10,000 or the wife could be buried in Israel
> for US $500.
>
> The man says, "We'll ship her home."
>
> The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an
> awfully big expense and we can do a very nice
> burial here."
>
> The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried
> a guy here and three days later he rose from the
>
➢ dead. I just can't take that chance."
>
>DAMN CHECKING ACCOUNT
>
>A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I
>want to open a damn checking account."
>
>The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
>misunderstood you. What did you say?"
>
>"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
>
>"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
>bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to
>inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not
>have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and
>the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
>
>"There is no damn problem," the man says.
>I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my
>damn money in this damn bank."
>
>"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch
>giving you a hard time?"
> Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were
> determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing
> anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the
> plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really
> outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
>
> The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their
> "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a
> drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous"
> topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards
> them.
>
> They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them,
> she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning,
> Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually,
> then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world
> did she know they were priests?
>
> So the next day, they went back to the store and bought
> even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could
> hear them before you even saw them.
>
> Once again the two priests in mufti settled on the beach in
> their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same
> gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet
> time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of
> them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
>
> One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said.
> "Just a minute young lady."
>
> "Yes?" she replied.
>
> "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in
> the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
>
> "Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at
him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
>>
>>>> An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says,
>>>> "Where the hell have you been?" He replies,
>>>> "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned.
>>>> "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
>>>> "I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis," he said proudly.
>>>> "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
>>>> disdain.
>>>> "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
> on
>>>> his
>>>> penis?"
>>>> "Well, For one, I like to watch my money grow," he began.
>>>> "Secondly, once in a while, I like to play with my money. Third, I
> like
>>>> how money feels in my hand.
>>>> And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right
>>>> here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
>>
-----------------
Forwarded Message:
Subj: Fw: Prison or Marriage
Date: Tuesday, November 30, 2004 4:58:35 PM
From: bohica@socal.rr.com
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
From: bohica@socal.rr.com (ralph marcarelli)
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Subject: Prison or Marriage
A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and
goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting
at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and
takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?"
she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you
down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember
20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only
16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears
thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the
back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember"
said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continued ... "Do you remember when
he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you
marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20
years?'"
"I remember that, too," she replied softly. He wiped
another tear from his cheek and said ... "I would have
gotten out today."
The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One.
George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, You know, I could throw a
$1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00 bills
out the window and make ten people very happy." Cheney says, "Of course
then, I could throw one hundred $10.00 bills out the window and make a
hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of
them and says to his co-pilot, "Such big shots back there..... hell, I could
throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy."
A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings.
"Hello" she says.
"Hello" says the male voice at the other end. "I'll bet you'd really like it if I came round, ripped off your skirt and blouse and bra and panties, then threw you to the floor and made hot, sweaty love to you...."
The Jewish lady replies, "From 'hello' you can tell all this....?"
> Subject: The Amish Hand Warmer...
>
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an
old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My
hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "Myhands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the
boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is
cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm
it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he
said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother,
and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!?"
:
>Satan walks into a synagoge and . .
> >
> > A few minutes before the services started, the congregation was
> > sitting and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the
> > front of the synagogue. Everyone started screaming and running for the
> > front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
> > from evil incarnate.
> >
> > Soon the shul was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
> > calmly without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
> > God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
> >
> > So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
> >
> > The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
> >
> > "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
> >
> > "Nope," said the man.
> >
> > "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
> >
> > "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
> >
> > "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
> > eternity?" persisted Satan.
> >
> > "Yep," was the calm reply.
> >
> > "And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
> >
> > "Nope," said the old man.
> >
> > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of
> > me?"
> >
> > The old man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 48
>years."
Subject: How to drrink for free in Ireland
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of
one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at
all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the
pub Where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two
glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan,
Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the
sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your
mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They
continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all
for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do
any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
third pub."
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He
sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded,
staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of sitting there,
watching the man staring at the chili, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If
you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his
best cowboy manner states, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy
reaches over and slides the bowl to his place. He immediately starts
spooning it in with delight. When he gets nearly down to the bottom of the
bowl, he notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight is shocking, and
he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly
says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
A young, religious Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. She was very skinny, and when she sat down, she literally fell in! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her night gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulka, over his wife's exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented:
"Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."
Frank had just come to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet". His plan was to tell his mother first. So on his next home visit, he went into the kitchen where his mother was busying herself stirring her chicken soup. Rather nervously, Frank explained to her that he had realized he was gay.
Without looking up from her stirring, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"
"Well...yes." he answers.
Still without looking up she asks, "Does that mean you suck men's penises?" Caught off guard, Frank eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative, whereupon his mother turned to him and brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"
Subject: The Polish Cow and the Rabbi ...
The only cow in a small town in Poland
stopped giving milk. The people did some
research and found that they could buy a
cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one
from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal,
they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow
was wonderful. It produced lots of milk
all the time, and the people were amazed
and very happy. They decided to acquire a
bull to mate with the cow and produce more
cows like it. Then they would never have
to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the
pasture with their beloved cow. However,
whenever the bull came close to the cow,
the cow would move away. No matter what
approach the bull tried, the cow would
move away from the bull and he could not
succeed in his quest. The people were
very upset and decided to ask the rabbi,
who was very wise, what to do. They told
the rabbi what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow,
she moves away. If he approaches from
the back, she moves forward. When he
approaches her from the front, she backs
off. An approach from the side and she
just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute
and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had
never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How
did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly,
"My wife is from Minsk."
A Biker and a Little Old Lady
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his
purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady named Mrs. Cohen, who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mocking-bird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
Mrs. Cohen suggested, "Vy don you put de anvil in the bocket, hlep the bocket mit eine hant, put a chicken under each arm and carry de goose in your odder hant?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
Mrs. Cohen looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely vidow vitout a husband to defend me. How do I know that ven we get in the alley you vont hold me up against the vall, pull up my skoirt, and rhavish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
Mrs. Cohen replied, "Put the goose down, kover him mit de bocket, put the anvil on top of de bocket, and I'll hold the chickens."
COHEN'S HAT......
Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday and the rabbi almost fell down
when he saw him. Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in his life.
After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said: "Mr. Cohen, I am so glad
you decided to come here. What made you come?"
Cohen said, "I've got to be honest with you, rabbi. A while back,
I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really, love that hat. I knew
that
Levy had one just like mine and I knew that Levy came to services every
Saturday. I also knew that Levy takes off his hat during services and he
leaves it in the back of the synagogue in order to put on his yarmulke.
So, I was going to leave after the Torah reading and steal Levy's hat."
The rabbi said: "Well Cohen, I notice that you didn't steal Levy's hat."
"While I am very pleased, tell me, what changed your mind?"
Cohen said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments,
I decided that I didn't need to steal Levy's hat."
The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt
Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in
Hell, right?"
Cohen shook his head and said: "Not exactly, rabbi. After you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left it."
>Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
>they had performed. The first said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A
>concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them and 8
>months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of
>England." The second said, "That's nothing. A young man lost
>both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them and 2 years later he
>won a gold medal in the Olympic decathlon." The third surgeon said, "You
>guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine
>and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an
>hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
>Now he's president of the United States."
>
>Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua,
>but on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
>street corner,day after day. With some apprehension he would brace
>himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
>
>"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
>
>"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
>
>This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
>He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five
>dollars!"
>
>One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany
>her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic
>street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and
>Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past
>outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the
>junior Senator.
>
>As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the
>corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough,
>there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she
>watched the pair jog past.
>
>Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get
>for five bucks?"
>
>Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua,
>but on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
>street corner,day after day. With some apprehension he would brace
>himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
>
>"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
>
>"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
>
>This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
>He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five
>dollars!"
>
>One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany
>her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic
>street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and
>Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past
>outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the
>junior Senator.
>
>As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the
>corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough,
>there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she
>watched the pair jog past.
>
>Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get
>for five bucks?"
>
>"Sadie & Hymie"
>
>After 40 years of marriage, Sadie loses her beloved Moishe. She goes into
>a deep depression and barely leaves the house for three years.
>
>One day by chance, she meets up with Hymie .... also a recent widower.
>They hit it off and he suggests a weekend in the mountains.
>
>Their first night in the hotel room finds Hymie lying in bed, stark naked.
>Sadie emerges from the bathroom naked except for a pair of black panties.
>
>"Vuss iss dus?" asks Hymie. "Vats mit der panties?"
>
>Sadie replies, "You can have mine face, mine lips und mine breasts.
>But....down there ...Vell ..... I'm still mourning."
>
>The next night the same events take place .... Sadie appears from the
>bathroom naked but for the pair of black panties. She looks at Hymie on
>the bed and sees that he is laying there with a full erection and wearing
>a black condom.
>
>She says, "I told you that down there I'm still in mourning."
>
>"Oh, I know," replies Hymie. "I'm planning to make a Shiva call!"
Rivkah goes to the new shopping centre in Brooklyn. It's unique
> because it's
>>
> only for Jewish women looking for Jewish husbands. Potential husbands
> are the
>>
> only goods on display. This is why Rivkah is there.
>>
> When she enters the building, there is a large sign, which
>>
> explains: - THE BROOKLYN JWSC. This JWSC centre is laid out over 5
> floors. The men here have increasingly better attributes the higher up
> you go. The rules for entry are simple --- you are only allowed in
> once.
>>
> Once you open the door to a floor, you must choose a man from that
> floor. If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to leave
> the centre completely. Once you leave, you cannot return at any time
> forever.
>>
> BEST OF LUCK
>>
>
>>
> Rivkah goes to the first floor. The sign on the door says Floor 1:
>
> "All the men here have jobs, love children and are certainly not
> lazy".
>>
> Rivkah thought, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not
> loving children, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes to
> the next floor.
>>
> The sign says Floor 2:
> "All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are
> certainly not lazy and are extremely good looking". "That's better,"
> thought Rivkah, "but I wonder what's further upstairs?"
>>
> So up she goes.
>>
> The sign says Floor 3:
> "All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are
> certainly not lazy, are extremely good looking, help with the
> housework and are not strictly orthodox". "Wow," thought Rivkah,
> "almost perfect and very tempting. But
> I've come this far and there's more further up!"
>>
> And so again, up she goes.
>>
> The sign says Floor 4: >
> "All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are
> certainly not lazy, are extremely good looking, help with the
> housework, are not strictly orthodox, are very romantic and want to
> satisfy their partner in every way".
>>
> "Oy vay, wonderful" she said aloud, "but just think what could be
> waiting for me upstairs" So up to the fifth and top floor she goes.
>>
> The sign here says Floor 5:
>>
> "This floor is just to prove that Jewish women are impossible to
> please".
>>
> Thank you for shopping. Have a nice day".
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the
treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon,
the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals
for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their
representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit
shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to
compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."
The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in
his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout
Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play
Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our
spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match."
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honoured and he agreed to play as a representative of the
Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and
some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.
Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have
ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were
long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was
perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
> Subject: Jewish Christmas
>
> As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how
> each of her students
> celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick
> Murphy. Tell me Patrick
> what do you do at Christmas time? she asked.
>
> Patrick addressed the class, Well Ms. Jones, me and
> my twelve brothers and
> sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns,
> then we come home very
> late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang
> up our stockings. Then
> all excited we go to bed and wait for Father
> Christmas to come with all our
> toys.
>
> Very nice Patrick, she said. Now Jimmy Brown what
> do you do at Christmas?
>
> Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church
> with Mum and Dad
> and we
> sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put
> cookies and milk by the
> chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly
> sleep, waiting for Santa
> Claus to bring our presents.
>
> Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and
> not wanting to leave him
> out of the discussion, she asked, Now, Isaac Cohen,
> what do you do at
> Christmas?
>
> Isaac said, Well, it's the same thing every year.
> Dad comes home from the
> office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we
> drive to his toy factory.
> When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves
> and begin to sing What
> a friend we have in Jesus. Then we all go to the
> Bahamas
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment."
And then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The Hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that."
>
A young woman entered a cloistered monastery where the nuns could speak two
words only every ten years. At the end of the first ten years, the woman
said to the Mother Superior "Bad food." At the end of the second ten years,
the woman said to the Mother Superior "Hard work." At the end of the third
ten years, the woman said to the Mother Superior "Cold bed." At the end of
the fourth ten years, the woman, not so young, said to the Mother Superior
"I quit." To which the Mother replied, "Well, it's about time, you've done
nothing but bitch since you started."
A Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a
blonde lady who is sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread!"
Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for help in
reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it
into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a
week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to
progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid.
Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle! in his
eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took
me then and there,
making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a
nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've
had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Starbucks again"!
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the artist that she wants a tattoo of a Humentash on her left thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Purim" under the Humentash. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Matzo tattoo with "Happy Pesach" on her right thigh just below her bikini line. The guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She said "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Purim and Pesach.”
>>
>
> Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
> round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the
> lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite
> the same without him.
>
> A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the
> remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.
> Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
> college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
> week?"
>
> The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of
> them wanted to say yes, but she had them on the spot. Finally one man
> said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30
> am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The
> woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up
> to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.
> She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."
>
> She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with
> an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the
> entire round. The guys were impressed. Back in the clubhouse they
> congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled
> and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
>
> The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this
> time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous, as she
> still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with
> her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she
> was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
>
> They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
> seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning
> desire to beat her. In the third week they all had their game faces on.
> But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable
> because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life
> to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was
> some petty gamesmanship on her part.
>
> Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed
> which was a good thing, since she narrowly beat all three of them.
> However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play,
> it was hard to keep a grudge against her.
> This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!
>
> Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her
> ability. They had a couple beers after their round, which helped the
> conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his
> curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if
> you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
>
> The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught
> me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun
> switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got
> married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.
>
> From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
> morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
> you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it
> was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
>
> Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But
> what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"
>
> She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."
A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land
of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with
gold. Black gold that is. But the husband can find
no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to
a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at
the base of a tree, and begins to pray:
"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family."
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black
man coming over the top of the hill, who is
struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses
a wheel of cheese.
When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large
wheel of Cheddar cheese from the Black man's grocery
bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's
feet!
Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you," he cries, grabs
the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning
home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs
her to make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas
and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No,
the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a
message. As I ran home, I kept hearing a voice
yelling:
"Hey, THAT'S NACH-YO CHEESE!"
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back
>down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the
>details.
>
> She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor."
>
> "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said, "I told him
>that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I
>told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either.
>Finally I said, well how much do you have? The sailor said that he only
>had $25. So I told him for $25 all I can do is service you by hand. He
>agreed and after getting the finance straight, he pulled it out and I put
>one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first
>hand above the second hand."
>
"Oh my god!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge. Then what did
>you do?"
>
> "I loaned him $75!" she said.
A man is at work on a construction site one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. His co-worker is normally a rather conservative fellow, so he is curious about the sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Hey, don't make such a big deal about it, it's just an earring," he replies, a bit irritated.
The first man falls silent for a few minutes, feeling a bit sheepish. Finally his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
The co-worker looks at him, a bit disgusted. "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Red Pigeons
The mayor of Houston Texas was very worried about a plague of pigeons
in Houston. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of
Houston was full of pigeon poop. The people of Houston couldn't walk on
the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to
keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I
can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the
city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay
me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the
offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat,
and released a red pigeon. The red pigeon circled in the air and flew up
into the bright blue Texas sky. All the pigeons in Houston saw the red
pigeon. They gathered up behind the red pigeon. The Houston pigeons
followed the red pigeon as she flew eastward out of the city.
The next day the red pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop
City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the red
pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Houston of the
plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that,
indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to
no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5
million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.
The mayor asked: "Do you have any red Mexicans?"
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at
him.
He's struck by her beauty, but can't place how he knows her.
"Do you know me?" he asks.
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
He thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife and
says,
My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love
to on the pool table while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."
>
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts,
working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think
about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems
that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the
old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out
that I'm a lesbian."
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "Peel & Win"
sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
Lunch."
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a
motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't
have that as a prize."
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
She hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
>two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
>drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl
>is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig
>that did this to you? I want to know!"
>
>The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
>stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished
>man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps
>out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room
>with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning,
>your daughter has informed me of the problem. However,
>I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
>charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
>townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
>If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000
>bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
>However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
>At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
>on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll fuck her again!"
> >House of Prostitution
> >
> >
> > A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway
> > when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
> > it reads:
> > SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> > HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> > 10 MILES
> >
> > He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and
> > drives on without a second thought....Soon he sees
> > another sign which reads:
> > SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> > HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> > 5 MILES
> >
> > Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for
> > real and drives past a third sign saying:
> > SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> > HOUSES OF PROSTITUTION
> > NEXT RIGHT
> >
> > His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
> > the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a
> > stone building with a small sign next to the door
> > reading:
> > SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> >
> > He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
> > answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
> > "What may we do for you my son?"
> >
> > He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and
> > was interested in possibly doing business....."
> >
> > Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led
> > through many winding passages and is soon quite
> > disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells
> > the man, "Please knock on this door."
> >
> > He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a
> > tin cup answers the door...This nun instructs, "Please
> > place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden
> > door at the end of the hallway."
> >
> > He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall
> > and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
> > The door locks, and he finds himself back in the
> > parking lot facing another sign.
> >
> > GO IN PEACE
> > YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.
> > FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
>A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
>
>The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
>
>"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
>
>"My goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Zagats Hall of Fame Outtakes
Here are some of our all-time favorite voter comments that didn't make the cut.
“Suffers from delusions of adequacy.”
“Took a doggy bag home; the dog refused it.”
“Be sure to sit in the no-shooting section.”
“If this place doesn’t get you laid, nothing will.”
“Saves fuel bills – the heartburn will keep you warm all winter.”
“The immature eating the indelible.”
“Like a skunk, it's small, it's cute and it stinks.”
“Abandon taste buds all ye who enter here.”
“A petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong.”
“Better service in a self-help gas station.”
“The roaches always get the best seats.”
“Chef’s responsibility is to turn on the microwave.”
“They put the salmon in salmonella.”
“If I want a fatty sandwich served by a walking attitude, I'll go to mom’s.”
“The proportions are the size of Jesse Helms’ grants to the arts.”
“Grandma cooked like this, grandpa died young.”
“Good seafood, but the waiter should be used as fish bait.”
“Not what it used to be and it did not used to be much.”
“Duck must have had a long flight – tired, tough and took 90 minutes to arrive.”
“Portions so small I started laughing – prices so high I started crying.”
“Have yet to learn that heat is an integral part of the cooking process.”
“For the price, the lobster should have come via overnight express, not pony express.”
“‘Breaking bread’ should not mean you have to use the side of the table.”
“The quiche of death.”
“Should shut down the restaurant and just serve the view.”
"Portions smaller than a microbe on a flea on the butt of a chihuahua."
"They performed magic of a sort – turned squid into rubber."
"The foam on our dessert looked like something the cat left on the rug."
"Best thing here were the toothpicks."
"Their pork chop would make a good chew toy."
"Like mama cooked – and not everyone's mama deserves a restaurant."
"I've been in prisons with better service."
"Average age of patrons is 'deceased.'"
"If your mama cooks like this, no wonder you ran away."
"The chicken was slightly smaller than a chihuahua and tougher than a bulldog."
"Just enough service to avoid customer riots."
"Duane Reade has better desserts."
"Continuous ads for chefs in the window is a bad sign."
"Got the plate but couldn't find the food."
"A concept whose time has come...to go away."
" Don't ask for the doggie bag if you love your dog."
"Owner is an alchemist – makes gelt from dreck."
"Thought I heard the sound of a thousand dead Italian grandmothers roll over in their graves when I entered."
"The rodents wear aprons and bus tables on slow nights."
"Ignore the cat's rump parked on the table you're about to be served on."
"Two people at the bar but you could only count four teeth between them."
"The staff is as pleasant as a truck driver with hemorrhoids."
"Living on borrowed time, like most of its patrons."
"The escargot would have been put to better use in a squash court."
"The food fills you up – if you can keep it down."
"Apples should be cored before they go into the pie."
"Makes hunger an attractive alternative."
"To call the food blech is an insult to blech."
"Underneath the BBQ sauce, expect any number of surprises, from the unrecognizable to the undead."
"Wine, women and thong."
"Ordered the chicken, but whatever it was, it wasn't alive in my lifetime."
"Since when was a view of garbage scows romantic?"
"Waitresses look like they belong on the pro bowler tour."
"Worst trauma I have ever seen to a shrimp – six sad little crustaceans with third-degree burns from the broiler."
"Service was slower than geology."
"Would have taken a chain saw to cut through the squid."
"Never have there been so many to serve so few."
"[The name] must be a Native American word for food poisoning."
"The food tastes better going down than when it comes back up."
"More plastic boobs in the bar area than a Barbie collection."
"Watching over-50 gay bikers sing Barbra Streisand is now off my to-do list."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
The Rules of Farm Life
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he 's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well, his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
> >A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two
> >kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
> >The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
> >children you have there. Are they twins?"
> >The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
> >Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
> >they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
> >"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
> >believe you got laid twice."
At the mall food court there was an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors, red, green, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough he sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye but said: "I got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,
"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and
answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?"
Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since
you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak
English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense
of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted
him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her
nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his
knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was
still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled
down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my
husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd
drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said
Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."
Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar
Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost ! like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack
E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him a! way and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (18 44-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
How Men Think
A woman was in a coma. She had been there for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was
washing her private area when she noticed there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. She tried it again, and sure enough there was a small recognizable movement.
The nurses went to her husband and explained what happened,
>Telling him,'As crazy as it sounds, maybe a little oral sex will
stimulate her enough to bring her out of her coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but when they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy, he finally agreed and went
into his wife's room.
After a few minutes, the woman's monitor flat lined - no pulse,
no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room.' What happened,' they cried!
The husband said,' I'm not sure. Maybe she choked
Monica Lewinsky goes into the dry cleaners and drops off a blouse to be cleaned.
As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, "come again."
Monica stops, turns around, and says, "No, it's mustard this time."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
'Mon ami' says Pierre, 'do you see that cathedral over there by the river Seine? I, Pierre, I built that cathedral. But do they call me Pierre the Cathedral Builder? And do you see the bridge by the cathedral? I, Pierre, I built that bridge. But do they call me Pierre the Bridge Builder? And do you see that magnificent sculpture standing in the middle of that park? I, Pierre, I created that sculpture. But do you think they call me Pierre the Great Sculptor? But suck just one cock...!'
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before
but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit
For his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what the medicine man could do to help.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only one single teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3’. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, ‘1-2-3!’
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, ‘What was the 1-2-3 for?’
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans’ he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense" The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."